Real Talk: Happiness

Let's talk happiness.

I mean real happiness, not those fleeting moments that you look back on and think to yourself, "Yeah, I can honestly say that I was happy then."

My friend's dad (who is also a bishop and has known me for almost 20 years) stopped me on my way to my institute class a couple weeks ago just to say hello and catch up for a second. We were just making small talk and then out of nowhere he says,
"Jess, why are you so happy all the time? I haven't seen you like this since you were little."
I looked the man straight in the eye and told him that life is SO good! It would be an injustice for me to say that my life is difficult or that I am doing any less than great because I am beyond blessed.

I'm not trying to say that my life is perfect by any means, but I can tell you exactly why my heart is so full. It is 100% because I really tried to turn myself to Christ during 2015 and continue to do so in 2016. I count my blessings every day, try to remember to have sincere daily prayer, study His life and teachings, and focus on being better through the mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

The way that 2014 ended made it so obvious to me that the only way to real and enduring happiness comes through drawing on the strength and grace of Christ and truly living his teachings to the fullest. I wasn't doing that before. Let's be honest, I'm still not doing as much as I know I could be, but that doesn't mean that I feel the love and peace of Christ any less. If anything else, that helps me realize that I truly need Him every hour of every day. We all do, even if we don't want to admit it.

I've always been one of those people is skeptical of people when they say things like this. I've always thought that to be happy you just have to force that way of thinking in your mind. Let me tell you, thinking happy might help turn things around, but the kind of happiness that shines out your face and emanates through your entire being, the kind that is contagious and influences everyone around you, that comes from Christ alone.

I know what you're thinking, "Jess, that's too easy. There's no way that's all it takes."
Guess what, it is easy! It's supposed to be! Don't start thinking that your life has to be overly complicated in order to be happy!

That's the beauty of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's simple enough that a child can understand it, but it takes a lifetime of study to even begin to comprehend the great amount of love and grace that Christ bestows upon each of us, even though we are sinful, prideful people. I don't know of anything more humbling than to realize that a man, born of God, descended to the absolute depths of hell to better help raise us up to become the people that we were destined to be. How wonderful it is to realize that we need never be alone. Christ, a very God, is there 100% of the time.
He is there when you want him to be.
He is there when you ignore him.
He is there when you are in the darkest times of your life.
Look for Him.
Look and you will find.

And guess what, when you find Him, you'll find your happy.

How Losing My Faith Helped Me Find It

As y'all know, 2014 was NOT the best year for me. But there's something that I haven't really mentioned: the fact that I lost faith.

I lost nearly all faith in God and the love that He has for me and you.

Being the only member of the Church in your family is already hard enough, but when you have something that 100% rocks your world and essentially rips you apart inside, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of you may know that when T came into my life, I had been praying and really looking for that someone that I would spend the rest of eternity with. It was a conscious thing. And the first day that I saw him I had this overwhelming feeling come over me; something inside said,
"He's the one you're going to marry."

I didn't even know him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or what he was like, all I knew was what had been spoken to my heart that day. It was a month before he and I ever spoke beyond some small talk in class...

And then we didn't stop talking.
Then we started dating.
I met his family and fell in love with them.
It was then that I realized that I was head over heels in love with him too.
Two days later, I told him how I felt.

Off and on he would mention that he was having doubts about us.
About where the relationship was going.
About whether we really were supposed to spend forever together.

I had so much faith that it would work - that if we just put our trust in God and in each other's love that it would work out and the doubts would diminish.

And then they didn't.

 The first time we decided to take a break, I thought that my heart would never mend. I sat on his lap in the big blue chair and cried while he held me. Then I walked out the door and swore that I was going to be all right by the time that I saw him the next day in class.

That next day he told me that he realized he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to get back together, so we did. A couple months later we were driving back home from a rodeo in his hometown and he looked over at me and said,
"I want to get married. And I want to marry you."

So we told our families and it became kind of a waiting game until we both were in a place mentally, physically, and spiritually that was good enough for us to get married.

And then we broke up again.

I felt like my world was crushed.

I had prayed for this, why wasn't God helping us?
Why were things getting harder?
Why did T choose to leave even though we were still in love?
Wasn't I good enough?

I was angry.
I was angry at God for taking the one I loved away from me.
I was angry that T changed his mind.
I was angry that I let myself fall so hard for someone who wasn't sure about me.

On top of being angry, I was depressed. I've had a pretty consistent battle with depression since I was little, so the little ups and downs weren't a big surprise, but I hit absolute rock bottom.
I cried for weeks. I couldn't look people in the eye because I didn't want to see the look of pity that they gave me when they heard what happened. I thought about suicide. I thought about drinking the pain away. I thought about disappearing completely; just getting in the car and going.

I turned away from the single source that I knew would give me strength and peace,
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I had talked to T about these feelings and anxieties that I was having and he, in turn, told his bishop... who told my bishop... who called me and claimed he just "wanted to chat."

Did I want to go to Bishop's office? No.
I didn't have the strength or courage to face him.
I was so afraid that he was going to judge me, that I was going to become one of those Mormon "projects."

But that's not what happened.

I shook his hand and sat down across the desk from him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jess, you look like you've been through hell."

I lost it.
I cried so hard that I couldn't form coherent words, let alone an actual sentence.
And he let me cry. He said that he already knew what happened because of the conversation he had with T's bishop so I didn't have to say anything about it right then. Then he said something that I will never forget: he said,
"Jess, you are SO loved. I know you're having a hard time, but please don't push your Heavenly Father away. He and Jesus Christ know you, they love you, and they hate seeing you hurting like this."

For some reason, something inside me snapped. I knew that I had to turn my life around because I couldn't go on living like I was. Things didn't get easier at first. Actually, they got harder. The anger didn't get better. The depression didn't get better. I went through the motions and wondered time and again if all the pain and suffering was actually worth it.

Let me tell you folks, it was worth it.

Rock bottom became the sure foundation upon which I have built this new life.

I'm consistently finding myself expressing gratitude to my Father for the wonderful life that He has given me a second chance at. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful Savior who took upon himself my sins and heartaches. It is so comforting to know that He knows exactly what I'm going through, because He went through it FOR me in the Garden of Gethsemane so that He could succor me as I experienced a fraction of what He felt.

My friends,
don't ever think that you are a burden to God.
Don't ever think that He does not care about you, HE DOES!!
Don't ever think that you are alone in this life, HE IS THERE.
Most of all, don't ever think that you are a lost cause. Jesus Christ is continually beckoning to each of us, calling out to us in the darkness saying, "Come unto me."
So come! Come to Him! He is waiting to embrace you and fill the cracks in your heart with the healing balm of His love;
and I promise He will if you reach out to Him because He did the same for me. 

My Un-Fairytale: 2014 in Review

I've learned a few things in 2014.

One of the most pressing things that has been on my mind lately has been about how my fairytale DIDN'T come true. I fell in love. I was planning a wedding. But none of that happened. My heart was shattered. I lost faith. I lost myself to overwhelming grief and depression. I drove myself to do things that I knew better than to do, just because I wanted to feel something, anything. 

My fairytale didn't happen. And here's something that I want to remember for my future self, and possibly offer to someone else too. Here's something that the movies lie to you about:

THE GUY DOESN'T ALWAYS COME BACK.

I always had this impression that when I fell in love, when I knew that it was overwhelmingly true, and that I was going to marry said man, that I would NEVER let him go. I made that deal with myself and it hasn't worked out like that. I've fought and fought to keep this feeling, this love alive, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that that love is over, never to return, because he shut and locked the door behind him when he left.

I've been consumed with grief, depression, and anxiety for 9 months over this. I have been lost, with an overwhelming feeling like I have been drowning. I have prayed and prayed, begging, pleading, bargaining with God, pouring out the feelings of my heart, explaining that I would do anything to change the state of being that has overshadowed me in 2014.

I was asked to give things up. God asked me to remove myself from people and things that I love and have loved for years. God asked me to do one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do: fully and whole heartedly confess the sins that I have participated in and suffer the consequences.
God asked me to look to Him, to trust Him, to look for Him in all things because He is there.

The beauty of 2014 did not come until December, the final 31 pages of my 365 page book for the year. I had a very strong impression to receive my endowment and fully enter into the presence of the Lord in His house, the temple. I studied. I prayed. I tried to talk myself out of it, listing reasons that I should wait until I'm getting married to go since that's usually the reason that most girls go. But again and again I was prompted to go, and go NOW.

Since that day, I have been indescribably happier. Several people have mentioned as much. I don't know why, but I am. I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I'm far closer to God and His Spirit than I have ever been. And I am so so grateful for that.

But at the same time, I am sad. I am sad that this is the end. I am sad that I've lost such a great love and so many great friends. I am sad that I made so many horrible decisions in 2014 that led to me experiencing one of the darkest times in my life. But I am grateful.

I am so grateful for the mercy of God and the love that He bestows upon me every day. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings that have been loaded on me in this, my darkest time. I am grateful for those that have redirected me to the light and the truth, reminding me who I am and that I deserve the very best that life and God can give. But mostly, I am grateful for the time that I had with Tyler, that I learned what it truly means to love someone with all of my heart, and to know that at least once in my life, I experienced that one in a million kind of feeling, to know that I got to live what we all search our entire lives to find.

But here's the thing, I have so much faith that 2015 is going to be so much better, with so much happiness and so many blessings. 2015 is going to be the year that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, that things happen for me because I have worked hard to ensure that they do.

The Master Surgeon

I was in institute about a week ago and I heard the most beautiful analogy that hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't been able to get it off my mind, so I am taking it as a sign that I need to share it. 

We have all heard the comparison of Jesus Christ being the Master Carpenter of our lives; in this analogy, He is the Master Surgeon of our hearts.

Imagine this:

You are a patient with a heart condition, laying on the table about to undergo open heart surgery. 

Just before the anesthesiologist puts you under, you look up and recognize your surgeon from somewhere, but are not sure how you know him; he smiles and winks at you, then they put you under, and the surgery begins.

In an open heart surgery, a few things happen before the surgeon can actually get his hands on your heart. First they have to open the skin using a scalpel- they cut through skin and muscle until they can pull the layers back to reveal your rib cage. At this point they bring in an electric saw, cutting your ribs apart until it is possible to fold those back as well to reveal the lungs, heart, and other vital organs. 

So there you are, laying face-up on the operating table, heart fully exposed and your life is literally in the hands of the surgeon. Although the surgery is not yet over, the anesthesia wears off and you wake up. Immediately you are overcome with the most intense pain that you have ever experienced. You cry out to the surgeon, "Please, please stop cutting. I am in so much pain already, why do you insist on continuing when you know that I am fully alert and feeling every touch of the blade?"

At this point this most trusted surgeon looks you in the eye, scalpel in hand, and says, 

"My child, you don't understand. If I stop cutting, the procedure will have been in vain. Your heart will not grow stronger or get any better. I know that you are in pain, but you can take confidence that I have performed this procedure thousands of times. Please trust me when I say that it will only last for a short amount of time and that you will come out of this surgery a better, stronger person than you were before. Please, please trust me."

The surgeon that so delicately held and continued to cut your heart despite the pain that He was inflicting, is none other than the Savior, Jesus Christ. 

He understands our pain. 

He understands it perfectly. 

In all reality, He is the only one that understands our pain. You see, He experienced it. He literally took our pains upon himself. He is the only one qualified to change our hearts and change our lives. 

He is the Savior of the world. 

He is YOUR Savior,

He loves you. 

He loves you more than anything. He literally exchanged His life for the possibility that you would choose to follow Him. He took a gamble on you. Even if you do not remain faithful to Him, He is always there, hands outstretched, ready to envelop you in a loving embrace, beckoning to you,

"Come follow me."

Our hearts are in His hands. Though it may hurt at times; though we may beg and plead with Him to stop cutting, He loves us enough to continue the surgery. You are never too far gone to turn to Him. He is willing to go to the depths of Hell itself to rescue each one of us individually. His love is THAT real, and THAT strong. 

Just listen when the Master Surgeon says,

"I know that you are in pain, but you can take confidence that I have performed this procedure thousands of times. Please trust me when I say that it will only last for a short amount of time and that you will come out of this surgery a better, stronger person than you were before."

(All images were found by searching "Reflections of Christ by Mark Mabry." There is also a short YouTube video with these and several other images depicting the life of Jesus Christ that is available by searching the same title.)

Dear T: What I Couldn't Say

It's been almost exactly a year from the day that I first told you that I loved you. 

At the time I said that I was afraid of falling for you without you being there to catch me. I also said that I was more afraid of facing a future without you. 

All the things I told you that first night are all still true. Nothing has changed for me, my feelings are the same.

Yes, I want to hit you a little more often, yes, you still drive me crazy, but if anything, I only love you more. 

Pushing me away does nothing to lessen how I feel. 

You are still my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night, it's been that way for over a year now. You are all I've ever wanted, inside and out.

I've done a lot of stupid things to make you jealous, to make you wish that things were different, to show you that I, too, was jealous, and I've even done some things to hurt you. For all of these, I genuinely apologize and hope you can forgive me.

I have to tell you that I have changed. 

I have a real focus now, something that I know will only change me further, for the better.

I'm removing those toxins in my life that I know have hurt not only me, but you as well. And I'm so sorry for allowing that to happen to you, that is my biggest regret in all of this.

I realize now that I have hurt you in ways that I can never repair, but I hope that someday those wounds can heal and you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I read this quote in a book a few weeks ago and as I've been trying to think of a way to tell you what I feel, I think it does a better job than I ever could, so here it is:

"Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings. I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep in your arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again. You may not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same. I know you're afraid and I am too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance."

That is exactly how I feel. I know none of this has been easy, and it probably won't be in the future, but I would take all the bad for just one moment of the good with you. 

So I guess at this point I'm just going to say that the ball is in your court. I'm still in love with you, but from this point forward, whether I stay in your life or not is up to you, I won't keep interfering.

I sincerely hope you keep that sparkle in your eye and that stupid little grin on your face. 

After all, that's what made me fall in love with you in the first place.

But if this is goodbye, have a good ride, cowboy. 

And thank you, because I wouldn't change a thing.

Updated Bucket List

The things I'm gonna do before I die (or so I hope):

[] sing in front of a crowd

[] go skydiving

[X] go white water rafting
[X] break a colt
[X] pull an all-nighter
[X} go to the NFR in Vegas
[] visit the National History Museum
[] find a somewhat-large antler shed
[] sleep in a tent overnight in Yellowstone
[] see the Northern Lights
[X] go repelling

[] go to Venice

[X] teach someone something they don't know

[] learn guitar
[X] pay for someone else's groceries
[X] see hard work pay off

[X] finish a quilt

[X] date someone I can see myself marrying

[X] laugh so hard you cry

[] fly first class

[X] go snowboarding
[X] go repelling

[] bungee jump

[] run a half marathon

[] learn to speak another language fluently

[] graduate college

[X] come out of a heartbreak stronger than I was before

[] have kids

[] get married

[X] graduate high school

[] kiss in the rain

[] visit Europe

[X] not procrastinate for one full month

[] see an eclipse
[X] help someone achieve a dream

[X] coach softball
[X] use a fire hose
[X] be an answer to someone's prayer
[] read 50 books in a summer

[] watch a meteor shower

[] visit all 50 states

[] go to Canada

[] go horseback riding on the beach

[X] go night sledding

[X] get a 4.0

[X] learn to watercolor

[X] get an award

[X] bat above .300

[X] learn the ASL alphabet

[X] go streaking

[X] go skinny dipping

[] swim in the ocean

[] go to the Opery in Nashville

[X] see Miranda Lambert live

[] go on a cruise

[] ride in a hot air balloon

[] go to Russia

[X] milk a cow

[] see Machu Picchu

[] go to Disneyland

[X] be in a food fight

[X] play at least two instruments

[X] learn to play poker

[X] get a welt from paintballing

[X] learn origami

[X] learn to play chess

[X] watch the sunrise

[X] touch a snake

[] get out of debt

[] own a diamond ring from Tiffany's
[] see Niagra Falls

[X] run/work on a ranch
[X] go jeeping
[X] be in a wedding

[X] meet a general authority

[] learn to forgive myself

[] become a teacher

[X] watch a sunset

[] have a dog named Moose

[] be in a musical

[] see Wicked
[X] learn to drive a stick shift

[] go to the Kentucky Derby

[] go to a professional baseball game

[X] eat calamari (fried squid)
[X] eat sushi

[X] make home made ice cream

[X] see the lights at Temple Square during Christmas

[] go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas

[X] get thrown into a pool fully clothed

[X] mud wrestling

[X] meet a celebrity

[X] donate hair to Locks of Love

[X] keep a blessings journal

[] make a difference

Mistakes

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Some minor, some not so minor. These things have a way of ripping me apart from the inside-out.

I start to dwell on them, thinking the situation over and over again, wondering,

what if?

What if I would have listened to my conscience and gotten out of the situation?

What if I had said something different?

What if I would have been somewhere else?

What if I had walked away?

What if...?

Thinking all these things has left me feeling  

empty, unwanted, overwhelmed, unworthy, depressed, 

and most of all, 

afraid.

I was talking to Tyler today and he said something that made this thought click in my head. 

It was firm and unwavering.

No matter what we have done, no matter how unworthy we feel we are, no matter how far we have strayed,

no matter what kind of hell we are in,

WE ARE LOVED.

We are loved unconditionally by a Father in Heaven, the very Creator of the Universe, who would not forsake us because we made a mistake or two. That's the thing about this life, we are going to screw up. He knew that. That's why He sent his Son to perform the Atonement. The Atonement covers each of our imperfections, each of our mistakes, if we give them to God and trust that He will care for us.

I promise you that He will. He will care for you. He will heal your broken heart. He will remove the anguish of sin and heartache. He will make it so that you can overcome any trial. 

Why else would we be here on this Earth if not to learn and overcome and become the kind of men and women that we have the potential to be? Our divine potential is so great! Nothing can take that from you. No sin, no mistake, no act will remove that.

That's the one thing that I know for sure, that we are SO loved, that we are never going to do anything that will estrange us from that love. 

It's easier said than done, I know. I am still learning to apply this in my own life, especially when I know that I have done something that is life-altering, something that is not to be taken lightly. Even though I know that I have screwed up and that I need to repent and move forward, I can't shake the thought that I am still loved and cherished, that I can and will overcome. Maybe not right now, maybe not even in the next month, but I will get better through the goodness, grace, and mercy of God. 

Dear T: That Should Be Us

Of all the weddings that I have been to in the recent past, I think that tonight's is going to be the hardest.

I was so happy for Lins and Cort, just like I am so happy for Cody and Camille, but here's the thing,

that should be us.

It should be us promising forever.

It should be us starting our lives together.

It should be us dancing to our song.

It should be us that everyone will be

talking about for the rest of the year.

But it's not.

Last weekend when I went branding with you and the family, I felt like things were okay.

Like we were okay.

Like I was going to be okay.

But I'm not.

I'm jealous.

I'm hurt.

I'm beyond sad.

but mostly,

I realized that 

I'm still in love with you.

I watched you with your little cousins, with Casey and Lindee's kids. 

I watched you doing what you love.

I watched you with your family.

and I saw myself falling all over again.

I'm not one of those girls that holds on forever when things end, but

I can't shake you.

I know I royally screwed up.

I know I haven't helped you like I should.

I know I'm not the best girl out there.

But I have a question.

Am I still the one you want to be with forever?

Am I still your best friend?

Does your dream still include me?

Because mine does.

Mine is you.

Mine will always be you.

Dear T: The End (For Real This Time)

So it's over for real now.

After six months of being attached at the hip, it's really over.

The thing is that I'm not really sad.

I am, but I'm not.

I'm sad that you gave up on it so easily, that as soon as things got hard you left.

I'm more mad than anything.

I'm mad at myself mostly.

I'm mad that I believed you.

I'm mad that I believed all the times that you told me that you loved me.

I'm mad that I believed you when you made me look you in the eyes and you told me that you would 

never leave.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said forever.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said that I was the one.

I'm mad that I gave you everything, that I gave up my heart for the first time in a very long time, and I gave it wholly trusting you with it, knowing that I was supposed to be with you, and all that was just thrown aside.

I don't think you understand how hard it was for me to do that. How many times I prayed and prayed that I would be safe with you. How many times I prayed to know if we were supposed to be together. Every time the answer was that you were it. That you were the one that I was supposed to be with for eternity.

and then your doubts got in the way

My answer from God is still the same.

I understand that the timing is wrong, but why should we give it all up?

Why can't we just be happy together for the time being?

You asked me a few days ago if I was ever going to trust you again.

The truth is that I have to. You have more of me than anyone else. You know things about me that not even my closest friends know. I have to trust that you won't invade upon those things. But, I have realized that it is going to take a lot for me to believe you again.

Maybe I'm just a sucker.

Maybe I pushed too hard.

Maybe I didn't push enough.

The truth is that we may never know.

The only thing that I know right now is that I have to move on. I can't keep waiting for you. I can't fight this alone. At this point I feel like I've been going at it all alone since the beginning and I just can't do it anymore.

Do I regret anything? No.

Will I? No.

Does it hurt? Yes.

But here's the thing:

I'm going to be okay.

maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but I'm going to make it.

Dear T: The End

Dear T,

I can't help but feel like

I made the biggest mistake

Of my life. 

Walking away from you last night was The single hardest thing  I have ever had to do.  Looking back at you, sitting in the big blue chair with your head in your hands, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and hug you until you felt okay. 

We decided it was a good idea to take a break until we get things all figured out. although I know it is what we are supposed to do, it kills me to think that I may have walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

You are home to me. 

You are my family. 

I want us to be together more than anything. You changed my life. 

You changed my dreams. 

You spoke of forever, and I wanted forever to begin as soon as possible. 

You have my heart.

My whole heart. 

And you know I don't give that away easily. 

And the thing is that  I don't want it back. 

It's yours. 

It has been since the beginning. 

Before you I was afraid to let go. 

I was afraid to let the walls come down. 

I was afraid to love. 

I was afraid to listen when people said it was my time, that love was just around the corner. 

Then you happened. 

I don't want this to be goodbye. 

You're my best friend. 

Just remember that

I love you cowboy. 

I love you more than you'll ever know. 

Dear T: Chapter 2

You keep telling me that you're afraid of breaking my heart.

Well, here's the deal.

Been there. Done that.

Honestly, I've been broken enough times that it doesn't even scare me anymore. And I have just accepted that at some point, everyone you love is going to crush you.

We're at this point right now that neither of us knows what to do.

Do we proceed?

Do we break up?

So we're just stuck in this awkward middle-ground. I think that more than anything, this is what is making us so tentative.

I don't do things half way.

When I'm in, I'm in.

and I'm in.

I really do appreciate and love you so much for keeping my feelings in the back of your mind. But here's the thing, you have to stop worrying about what it's going to do to me. Stop worrying about how I'm going to react. Stop worrying about my feelings.

I know where I stand, and you know that I trust you. I trust you to do whatever it is that you think is in your best interest. I can take care of myself, I've done it enough times before. 

I just don't want you to feel like you're settling with me.

Believe it or not, I really do want what is best for you, even if it means that I'm not in the picture.

You deserve the best.

I may not be the best, in fact, I know I'm not, but that's not what scares me.

I'm afraid that someday I'm going to regret it if I don't tell you exactly how I feel. I know I don't talk much, and that's because it's easier for me to write how I feel and show how I feel instead of actually saying how things really are.

Just know that I mean it when I tell you that I love you. I have all the confidence in the world in you and in whatever decision you decide to make. Regardless of how it ends, I'll have your back.

That's just how it works. That's what you do when you love someone.

So disregard my feelings. Put me aside and figure out what exactly it is that you want. Find what it is within yourself and realize that I'm going to back you up.

Dear T: The Truth

I don't know why this is so hard for me to say. Especially since I'm fairly sure that you feel the same way I do. But here we go, prepare for a lot of word vomiting and me talking in circles.

I like you.

You know that already though. Well, let's be honest, just about everyone knows that. You're exactly the kind of man I always imagined myself marrying. I have always been so afraid that I set myself up for failure because I had these insanely high standards, yet here you are.

Everything we have done together, all of our talks, it's all beyond my wildest dreams, and that scares me.

I can feel myself falling. 

And I'm so afraid that you're not going to be there to catch me at the bottom.

Really, when I told you that I thought I had been in love before, it was nothing even relatively close to this.

This is a whole new ball game.

This is real.

And that scares me too.

The future scares me, and right now I'm most scared that there is that possibility that there could be a future that you're not a part of.

I don't care that you'll be gone every weekend to a rodeo, I don't care that you'll only have $50 to your name. You have a dream, and I wouldn't dare ask you to give that up. You should never have to. If anything, all of this just makes me like you even more.

Every day I tell myself that this is crazy. I mean, it hasn't even been a month yet, but here I am turning into a softy, smiling about something you said or did a week ago, listening to all these love songs, thinking about you all the time. I don't know what's happening to me.

From the beginning I felt like something just clicked. I've fought it and I've fought it, but I realize that

there is something to this. It's constantly on my mind, even when I tell you that I'm not thinking of anything of consequence.

I've been thinking a lot about things this weekend, and last night it hit me.

It hit me really hard, like a 2x4 to the head.

So, here it is.

I love you too.

That's it.

Cut and dried.

The beginning and the end.

and I think I knew it all along.

This Place

There's just something about this place.

There's something about a place where you can ride across the land for days and still have things to see.

There's something about a place where you can look at the sky and

see millions of stars.

There's something about watching the sun rise

over a mountain top, knowing that this is a new day, a new beginning.

There's something about standing outside in the middle of a storm. Listening to the thunder roll off the mountain walls.

 There's something about a place that you can wake up every morning with a beautiful view

and never get tired of what you see.

There's something about a place that you can see the hand of God in everything.

There's something about a place.

Something about this place.

Remember The Time

Remember the time...

No, not the Michael Jackson song.

Remember the time as in this.

REAL LIFE.

Everyone always knows that a good story is to follow when a sentence begins with "remember the time..."

I've been thinking a lot about the passage of time. With it being Mother's Day this past weekend, I've been able to reflect on some times that I have had with the women who have shaped, molded, and guided me.

I rode with my Grandma, uncle, and parents to Maddox for dinner (only the best place to eat) last Saturday and it seemed like Grandma was in a remember the time mood.

She was bringing up stories from when I was little about all the quirky little things that I used to do. How I would eat raw green beans when she and my Great-Grandma would be canning and how I can't do anything that takes concentration without sticking my tongue out.

That's what got me thinking.

I had to have picked these things up from someone...

Remember the time...

Great Grandma taught me to focus on my goals.

She also taught me that being able to cut a straight line in any material is highly overrated and that patience may be a virtue, but not all are blessed with it.

Remember the time...

Grandma Pickett taught me not to take life (or myself) too seriously. She taught me that family is everything. She taught me to cook, to can, to sew... basically all those little things that are good to know.

And that through God, everything will work out when and how it's supposed to.

Remember the time...

Grandma Tarbet tried to teach me how to be lady. How to hold still, how to be somewhat proper and polite. [Turns out that didn't really stick because I am a bigger fan of the farm and sports than she ever anticipated]. She did, however, teach me to value a garden. Flowers, squash (she's got a gift for squash), produce, whatever it is, she can grow it.

Remember the time...

My mom wanted the world for me. She sacrificed so much [and I am continually realizing that] so that I could play ball. So that I could pursue music. So that I could have my heart's desire, all while she was going through hell with everything else in her life.

Remember the time...

I went to Young Women's and I met an incredible woman, Linda, my second mother. She taught me

to love, to love beyond people's flaws, to see the good in them, to realize that sometimes some people

have to get hurt in the process of things becoming better.

Remember the time...

Nicole, another of my Young Women's leaders, taught me what it means to have an unshakable testimony. She is one of those women that you can feel how much she loves the Gospel long before you hear her speak.

I am so thankful to these women. These and so many others. I would be here for years if I were to go through everyone that I have learned a lesson from. But here is my main point:

Remember the time...

Remember when the hardest decision we had to make was choosing what color of Crayon we were going to write our names in that day?

Remember when we could pop in a movie and not have to worry about what would come up on the screen?

Remember those Highlights magazines? ['nuff said there]

Remember when we could entertain ourselves without all this technology?

WHAT HAPPENED?

Life. Life happened. We grew up. Friends moved. Friends left our social circle. Family passed away. Experience began weaving its influence into our everyday decisions. But just think, just think for one minute how it would be to be able to go back.

To go back to that time...

[Dear A + B] Things I Can't Say

Dear A + B,

I wish I were brave enough to actually tell you this out loud and in real life, but I know I'm already treading a thin line by doing it here.

I've literally been pained the last few months by some of the things that you have said. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried, wishing that things were different. I just don't think that you realize how much you say affects me, even though I'm 21 years old.

I understand that you were offended by something that the bishop said in a letter. I get that, I really do. But even before that, when you looked at me and said that everything that I believed just wasn't true,

that killed me.

I was FIFTEEN. I don't think you realize that this church saved my life. Literally. There was a time that you were too busy constantly yelling at each other to see how much that affected me. You assumed I was strong, that I would get over it.

Truth is, it still haunts me.

Anyway, you might not agree with my religion. You might not understand why I cling to it the way that I do, but that is no reason to bad mouth it on a daily basis.

You'll believe almost anything on the internet about Congress or gun laws, but you won't take a chance on the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?

You call it a cult and a bunch of other things that I'm not going to repeat, and yet at one time you were a part of it. You grew up with it. At one time you believed it too.

That's not even the part that gets me the most. The reason that I've spent so many hours thinking about this is the fact that I know that when I get married,

you won't be there.

And it's because of your own choices.

I already know that you're going to try to talk me out of it. That you're going to say that I can get a civil marriage and go through the temple later, but that's not how it's going to happen. I'm doing it the right way, at the right time, with the right person.

Last year when I went to the ranch I was sad to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends and you. This year I am beyond thrilled to leave. I can't handle being in this hostile of an environment anymore. Every day it's like I take a shot to the heart from something that you say.

I am so excited to be back in a place where I don't have to constantly be on my guard. Constantly biting my tongue to keep from saying something that I know will just turn you away from me. I'm so excited to be able to feel the Spirit freely. I don't think you realize how hard I work to keep it in my life.

I feel like I'm back in high school when I didn't want to come home. I am at that point now. I don't want to bring friends over because I don't know what you will say, and I know that you could care less if you offended them or me.

Truth is, no matter how hard I have to work. No matter how much opposition you throw at me. No matter how angry it makes you,

I WILL be married in the temple.

I WILL continue in the church.

I WILL believe.

Easter

Today is one of my favorite holidays.

I love Easter so much!

I don't usually do this because it is kind of a contested issue in my house, but I have felt impressed all day to

let you all know how I feel.

I bear witness that Jesus is the Christ.

He has come, and He will return again.

He atoned for each one of us, sacrificing his life and taking it up again so that each of us could do the same.

It is because of His plan that we are able to live with our families in the eternities.

It is because of Him that we are forgiven of our sins.

He is my elder brother, my Savior, and my friend.

He is the One. 

He is the one we can turn to with any of our problems because he has been there.

He literally took upon himself all of our hurts, our afflictions, our sorrows, and our sins so that He could know how best to succor us in our time of need. He is the Great Mediator. It is through Him that my

debts are forgiven.

I know that it is through Him that I can become better. He is the only way to return to God and to be with our families again. I know that He has come again to this Earth to restore His gospel in preparation for His return and that it was done through his humble servant, Joseph Smith, Jr.

I know that he will never turn away from us. He is continually stretching forth His arms to embrace us. It does not matter how far we have wandered away from His fold, He will always accept us. There is no distance that the Atonement and Christ's great love cannot cover to touch us.

"He is the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New...Jesus is the Living Christ,

the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world." -The Living Christ

Family

Ya'll know how I am always calling my coworkers and friends at the ranch my family?

Well, that's because it's true.

We. Are. A. Family.

Today we got the sad news that one of our cowboys, Clancey, was killed in a car accident and his brother, Joe, was injured as well. 

Clancey was only 20 years old.

Although Clancey and I didn't work at the ranch at the same time, I had the opportunity to meet him on a few occasions. Hands down, this kid was going places. He was an incredible young man, always had a smile on his face, and from what I hear, he was quite the heartbreaker wherever he went.

My heart breaks for the Rinderknecht family at the loss of their son and brother.

I am so thankful for the knowledge of eternal families. It is such a comfort to know that Clancey will be reunited with his family in the eternities. He will truly be missed.

He's riding the great horses in the sky now.

XO and RIP, buddy!

What A Girl Wants

I've been thinking a lot about what I want.

What I want from my life, what I want in the future, ya know, those things that girls dream about their

entire lives.

As of this June, I will have been  in ten, that's right, TEN, weddings in my lifetime. That's an average of one

every other year of my life.

This is what got the gears in my brain going. My most recently-engaged friend asked me the other day

what is it exactly that you want?

I immediately had a flashback to when we were in our Young Women's group at church and one of our leaders asked us to make a list of qualities that we wanted in a future husband. Being the little high school girl that I  was I immediately started writing:

plays sports

good with kids

musical

attractive

LDS

gets along with my family

muscular

tall

dark

handsome

Basically all the petty little things that really don't mean anything. Truth is, I don't really know what I want.

I always thought that I would fall for someone who is like that. Someone that I can just check his

perfect qualities off the list.

I've come to realize that these qualities really aren't what I should look for. I should look for a man who loves

God more than anything. A man who is respectful, humble, honest.

As I sit here, I wonder how many people I have let slip through my fingers because they don't have the checklist qualities. In all honesty, the majority of my closest friends don't even fit the bill. Heaven knows that I don't either. 

I don't understand why we choose to hold people to a higher standard than what we set for ourselves. If I expect things from a man, then I need to start living these things myself.

I don't have a checklist anymore.

I don't know where I'm going,

I don't really know what I expect from myself or anyone else, but I do know that I want a simple life.

I want a job that I love.

I want a family as great as mine is.

I want a love that put fairy tales to shame.

I want a farm that lives up to its legacy.

I want a hubby that is mine for eternity.

Mostly, I just want to be happy, happy, happy.

Superwoman

One night I was out with Wade and we went on a walk. It was fall, so the nights were chilly, but not so cold that you really needed a coat. Anyway, we were walking, and I had my hands in my pockets [because they're always cold] and he asked if I wanted his jacket. I said that I was okay, then he stopped me, looked right into my eyes and said,

"You don't always have to be

superwoman, you know that right?"

The truth is, that's how I have always been.

I've always been the rock.

I've always been the one that has kept my head above water and helped everyone else. When things are falling apart, for some strange reason I am the one that people look to.

For example, when my grandpa died, I was the one that everyone looked to to see how to cope. It was only when I broke down at the funeral that everyone else let the water works go too.

Example number two, when I was playing ball, everyone came to me with their thoughts about how things could be better when I wasn't even a captain, and I was the one that went to coach.

Yet another, whenever people feel like they can't do things, they turn to me. If I can't do it, then they label it as an impossible task.

Why do we do that?

Why do we pin things on people like that?

Why do we seem to have that feeling that this is okay?

What happened to self-reliance and persistence?

If you're not one of those 'super-people' that get everything dumped on them like that, you probably won't understand the insane amount of pressure that comes with it. It's ridiculous.

I know that we really shouldn't worry about it, and probably shouldn't feel like we have to do things, but sometimes, that's just who we are

The Truth About Birthdays

So Sunday is my birthday.

the big 2-1.

21 going on what feels like 50.

Truth is, I hate birthdays.

Okay, not all birthdays, just mine.

And no, it's not the whole i'm a year older, oh my gosh is that a wrinkle thing.

I've hated it since I was ten. So yeah, half of my life I have hated the only "holiday" celebrated for me.

I was ten. I was super stoked because, I mean, what little kid doesn't love their birthday? So I was all excited because I was going to go to dinner with my family, and for once I got to pick where we went. Talk about absolute elation on my part.

Well, unbeknownst to me, my parents had been having some, we'll call them problems. Well these problems bled into my birthday bliss and there was a huge, huge fight. and I mean like full on screaming, doors slamming, lots of adult words being used, and here sat little me. Stunned.

I didn't know what to do. I just went with it. We went to dinner.

It was super tense, but we ate.

happy birthday!

Fast forward two years later.

Same. Freaking. Situation.

Except this time I had a cell phone because I was playing ball on a higher level so we had a lot of practices. Anyway, all hell broke loose. On my birthday.

Right before dinner. Again.

[Is it just me or is anyone else seeing a trend here?]

I panicked. I just couldn't handle it. I had always had anxiety, but it was typically about school. This was the first time that I had a real panic attack.

I mean like, hysterical crying, hyperventilating, shaking, it wasn't pretty.

I ran out of my house and called my young women's leader who had grown up in a similar situation.

She wasn't home. [cue more panic]

I called my best friend.

Lucky enough, she was with a friend of ours, and her mom is kind of an expert with that kind of thing. She went to school to be a child psychologist before she had her kids. Anyway, I called, sobbing, and they came

to pick me up.

By this time, my dad had walked out the door and said 'Okay, let's go. Looks like it's just going to be me and you.' I just told him that I couldn't go. I

had called Tauni and she and Steph were coming to pick me up.

happy birthday!

It seems like this time every year things get really, really tense around here. I don't know if it's just because we all have cabin fever and want to get out or what, but it's not exactly  ideal for celebrating.

Year after year, it's just kind of been conditioned into me to be on edge around my birthday. It's like I am

waiting for the shoe to drop. For the rug to be ripped out from under me.

Regardless, I hate birthdays.