How Losing My Faith Helped Me Find It

As y'all know, 2014 was NOT the best year for me. But there's something that I haven't really mentioned: the fact that I lost faith.

I lost nearly all faith in God and the love that He has for me and you.

Being the only member of the Church in your family is already hard enough, but when you have something that 100% rocks your world and essentially rips you apart inside, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of you may know that when T came into my life, I had been praying and really looking for that someone that I would spend the rest of eternity with. It was a conscious thing. And the first day that I saw him I had this overwhelming feeling come over me; something inside said,
"He's the one you're going to marry."

I didn't even know him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or what he was like, all I knew was what had been spoken to my heart that day. It was a month before he and I ever spoke beyond some small talk in class...

And then we didn't stop talking.
Then we started dating.
I met his family and fell in love with them.
It was then that I realized that I was head over heels in love with him too.
Two days later, I told him how I felt.

Off and on he would mention that he was having doubts about us.
About where the relationship was going.
About whether we really were supposed to spend forever together.

I had so much faith that it would work - that if we just put our trust in God and in each other's love that it would work out and the doubts would diminish.

And then they didn't.

 The first time we decided to take a break, I thought that my heart would never mend. I sat on his lap in the big blue chair and cried while he held me. Then I walked out the door and swore that I was going to be all right by the time that I saw him the next day in class.

That next day he told me that he realized he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to get back together, so we did. A couple months later we were driving back home from a rodeo in his hometown and he looked over at me and said,
"I want to get married. And I want to marry you."

So we told our families and it became kind of a waiting game until we both were in a place mentally, physically, and spiritually that was good enough for us to get married.

And then we broke up again.

I felt like my world was crushed.

I had prayed for this, why wasn't God helping us?
Why were things getting harder?
Why did T choose to leave even though we were still in love?
Wasn't I good enough?

I was angry.
I was angry at God for taking the one I loved away from me.
I was angry that T changed his mind.
I was angry that I let myself fall so hard for someone who wasn't sure about me.

On top of being angry, I was depressed. I've had a pretty consistent battle with depression since I was little, so the little ups and downs weren't a big surprise, but I hit absolute rock bottom.
I cried for weeks. I couldn't look people in the eye because I didn't want to see the look of pity that they gave me when they heard what happened. I thought about suicide. I thought about drinking the pain away. I thought about disappearing completely; just getting in the car and going.

I turned away from the single source that I knew would give me strength and peace,
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I had talked to T about these feelings and anxieties that I was having and he, in turn, told his bishop... who told my bishop... who called me and claimed he just "wanted to chat."

Did I want to go to Bishop's office? No.
I didn't have the strength or courage to face him.
I was so afraid that he was going to judge me, that I was going to become one of those Mormon "projects."

But that's not what happened.

I shook his hand and sat down across the desk from him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jess, you look like you've been through hell."

I lost it.
I cried so hard that I couldn't form coherent words, let alone an actual sentence.
And he let me cry. He said that he already knew what happened because of the conversation he had with T's bishop so I didn't have to say anything about it right then. Then he said something that I will never forget: he said,
"Jess, you are SO loved. I know you're having a hard time, but please don't push your Heavenly Father away. He and Jesus Christ know you, they love you, and they hate seeing you hurting like this."

For some reason, something inside me snapped. I knew that I had to turn my life around because I couldn't go on living like I was. Things didn't get easier at first. Actually, they got harder. The anger didn't get better. The depression didn't get better. I went through the motions and wondered time and again if all the pain and suffering was actually worth it.

Let me tell you folks, it was worth it.

Rock bottom became the sure foundation upon which I have built this new life.

I'm consistently finding myself expressing gratitude to my Father for the wonderful life that He has given me a second chance at. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful Savior who took upon himself my sins and heartaches. It is so comforting to know that He knows exactly what I'm going through, because He went through it FOR me in the Garden of Gethsemane so that He could succor me as I experienced a fraction of what He felt.

My friends,
don't ever think that you are a burden to God.
Don't ever think that He does not care about you, HE DOES!!
Don't ever think that you are alone in this life, HE IS THERE.
Most of all, don't ever think that you are a lost cause. Jesus Christ is continually beckoning to each of us, calling out to us in the darkness saying, "Come unto me."
So come! Come to Him! He is waiting to embrace you and fill the cracks in your heart with the healing balm of His love;
and I promise He will if you reach out to Him because He did the same for me. 

My Un-Fairytale: 2014 in Review

I've learned a few things in 2014.

One of the most pressing things that has been on my mind lately has been about how my fairytale DIDN'T come true. I fell in love. I was planning a wedding. But none of that happened. My heart was shattered. I lost faith. I lost myself to overwhelming grief and depression. I drove myself to do things that I knew better than to do, just because I wanted to feel something, anything. 

My fairytale didn't happen. And here's something that I want to remember for my future self, and possibly offer to someone else too. Here's something that the movies lie to you about:

THE GUY DOESN'T ALWAYS COME BACK.

I always had this impression that when I fell in love, when I knew that it was overwhelmingly true, and that I was going to marry said man, that I would NEVER let him go. I made that deal with myself and it hasn't worked out like that. I've fought and fought to keep this feeling, this love alive, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that that love is over, never to return, because he shut and locked the door behind him when he left.

I've been consumed with grief, depression, and anxiety for 9 months over this. I have been lost, with an overwhelming feeling like I have been drowning. I have prayed and prayed, begging, pleading, bargaining with God, pouring out the feelings of my heart, explaining that I would do anything to change the state of being that has overshadowed me in 2014.

I was asked to give things up. God asked me to remove myself from people and things that I love and have loved for years. God asked me to do one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do: fully and whole heartedly confess the sins that I have participated in and suffer the consequences.
God asked me to look to Him, to trust Him, to look for Him in all things because He is there.

The beauty of 2014 did not come until December, the final 31 pages of my 365 page book for the year. I had a very strong impression to receive my endowment and fully enter into the presence of the Lord in His house, the temple. I studied. I prayed. I tried to talk myself out of it, listing reasons that I should wait until I'm getting married to go since that's usually the reason that most girls go. But again and again I was prompted to go, and go NOW.

Since that day, I have been indescribably happier. Several people have mentioned as much. I don't know why, but I am. I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I'm far closer to God and His Spirit than I have ever been. And I am so so grateful for that.

But at the same time, I am sad. I am sad that this is the end. I am sad that I've lost such a great love and so many great friends. I am sad that I made so many horrible decisions in 2014 that led to me experiencing one of the darkest times in my life. But I am grateful.

I am so grateful for the mercy of God and the love that He bestows upon me every day. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings that have been loaded on me in this, my darkest time. I am grateful for those that have redirected me to the light and the truth, reminding me who I am and that I deserve the very best that life and God can give. But mostly, I am grateful for the time that I had with Tyler, that I learned what it truly means to love someone with all of my heart, and to know that at least once in my life, I experienced that one in a million kind of feeling, to know that I got to live what we all search our entire lives to find.

But here's the thing, I have so much faith that 2015 is going to be so much better, with so much happiness and so many blessings. 2015 is going to be the year that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, that things happen for me because I have worked hard to ensure that they do.