The Master Surgeon

I was in institute about a week ago and I heard the most beautiful analogy that hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't been able to get it off my mind, so I am taking it as a sign that I need to share it. 

We have all heard the comparison of Jesus Christ being the Master Carpenter of our lives; in this analogy, He is the Master Surgeon of our hearts.

Imagine this:

You are a patient with a heart condition, laying on the table about to undergo open heart surgery. 

Just before the anesthesiologist puts you under, you look up and recognize your surgeon from somewhere, but are not sure how you know him; he smiles and winks at you, then they put you under, and the surgery begins.

In an open heart surgery, a few things happen before the surgeon can actually get his hands on your heart. First they have to open the skin using a scalpel- they cut through skin and muscle until they can pull the layers back to reveal your rib cage. At this point they bring in an electric saw, cutting your ribs apart until it is possible to fold those back as well to reveal the lungs, heart, and other vital organs. 

So there you are, laying face-up on the operating table, heart fully exposed and your life is literally in the hands of the surgeon. Although the surgery is not yet over, the anesthesia wears off and you wake up. Immediately you are overcome with the most intense pain that you have ever experienced. You cry out to the surgeon, "Please, please stop cutting. I am in so much pain already, why do you insist on continuing when you know that I am fully alert and feeling every touch of the blade?"

At this point this most trusted surgeon looks you in the eye, scalpel in hand, and says, 

"My child, you don't understand. If I stop cutting, the procedure will have been in vain. Your heart will not grow stronger or get any better. I know that you are in pain, but you can take confidence that I have performed this procedure thousands of times. Please trust me when I say that it will only last for a short amount of time and that you will come out of this surgery a better, stronger person than you were before. Please, please trust me."

The surgeon that so delicately held and continued to cut your heart despite the pain that He was inflicting, is none other than the Savior, Jesus Christ. 

He understands our pain. 

He understands it perfectly. 

In all reality, He is the only one that understands our pain. You see, He experienced it. He literally took our pains upon himself. He is the only one qualified to change our hearts and change our lives. 

He is the Savior of the world. 

He is YOUR Savior,

He loves you. 

He loves you more than anything. He literally exchanged His life for the possibility that you would choose to follow Him. He took a gamble on you. Even if you do not remain faithful to Him, He is always there, hands outstretched, ready to envelop you in a loving embrace, beckoning to you,

"Come follow me."

Our hearts are in His hands. Though it may hurt at times; though we may beg and plead with Him to stop cutting, He loves us enough to continue the surgery. You are never too far gone to turn to Him. He is willing to go to the depths of Hell itself to rescue each one of us individually. His love is THAT real, and THAT strong. 

Just listen when the Master Surgeon says,

"I know that you are in pain, but you can take confidence that I have performed this procedure thousands of times. Please trust me when I say that it will only last for a short amount of time and that you will come out of this surgery a better, stronger person than you were before."

(All images were found by searching "Reflections of Christ by Mark Mabry." There is also a short YouTube video with these and several other images depicting the life of Jesus Christ that is available by searching the same title.)

Dear T: What I Couldn't Say

It's been almost exactly a year from the day that I first told you that I loved you. 

At the time I said that I was afraid of falling for you without you being there to catch me. I also said that I was more afraid of facing a future without you. 

All the things I told you that first night are all still true. Nothing has changed for me, my feelings are the same.

Yes, I want to hit you a little more often, yes, you still drive me crazy, but if anything, I only love you more. 

Pushing me away does nothing to lessen how I feel. 

You are still my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night, it's been that way for over a year now. You are all I've ever wanted, inside and out.

I've done a lot of stupid things to make you jealous, to make you wish that things were different, to show you that I, too, was jealous, and I've even done some things to hurt you. For all of these, I genuinely apologize and hope you can forgive me.

I have to tell you that I have changed. 

I have a real focus now, something that I know will only change me further, for the better.

I'm removing those toxins in my life that I know have hurt not only me, but you as well. And I'm so sorry for allowing that to happen to you, that is my biggest regret in all of this.

I realize now that I have hurt you in ways that I can never repair, but I hope that someday those wounds can heal and you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I read this quote in a book a few weeks ago and as I've been trying to think of a way to tell you what I feel, I think it does a better job than I ever could, so here it is:

"Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings. I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep in your arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again. You may not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same. I know you're afraid and I am too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance."

That is exactly how I feel. I know none of this has been easy, and it probably won't be in the future, but I would take all the bad for just one moment of the good with you. 

So I guess at this point I'm just going to say that the ball is in your court. I'm still in love with you, but from this point forward, whether I stay in your life or not is up to you, I won't keep interfering.

I sincerely hope you keep that sparkle in your eye and that stupid little grin on your face. 

After all, that's what made me fall in love with you in the first place.

But if this is goodbye, have a good ride, cowboy. 

And thank you, because I wouldn't change a thing.

Updated Bucket List

The things I'm gonna do before I die (or so I hope):

[] sing in front of a crowd

[] go skydiving

[X] go white water rafting
[X] break a colt
[X] pull an all-nighter
[X} go to the NFR in Vegas
[] visit the National History Museum
[] find a somewhat-large antler shed
[] sleep in a tent overnight in Yellowstone
[] see the Northern Lights
[X] go repelling

[] go to Venice

[X] teach someone something they don't know

[] learn guitar
[X] pay for someone else's groceries
[X] see hard work pay off

[X] finish a quilt

[X] date someone I can see myself marrying

[X] laugh so hard you cry

[] fly first class

[X] go snowboarding
[X] go repelling

[] bungee jump

[] run a half marathon

[] learn to speak another language fluently

[] graduate college

[X] come out of a heartbreak stronger than I was before

[] have kids

[] get married

[X] graduate high school

[] kiss in the rain

[] visit Europe

[X] not procrastinate for one full month

[] see an eclipse
[X] help someone achieve a dream

[X] coach softball
[X] use a fire hose
[X] be an answer to someone's prayer
[] read 50 books in a summer

[] watch a meteor shower

[] visit all 50 states

[] go to Canada

[] go horseback riding on the beach

[X] go night sledding

[X] get a 4.0

[X] learn to watercolor

[X] get an award

[X] bat above .300

[X] learn the ASL alphabet

[X] go streaking

[X] go skinny dipping

[] swim in the ocean

[] go to the Opery in Nashville

[X] see Miranda Lambert live

[] go on a cruise

[] ride in a hot air balloon

[] go to Russia

[X] milk a cow

[] see Machu Picchu

[] go to Disneyland

[X] be in a food fight

[X] play at least two instruments

[X] learn to play poker

[X] get a welt from paintballing

[X] learn origami

[X] learn to play chess

[X] watch the sunrise

[X] touch a snake

[] get out of debt

[] own a diamond ring from Tiffany's
[] see Niagra Falls

[X] run/work on a ranch
[X] go jeeping
[X] be in a wedding

[X] meet a general authority

[] learn to forgive myself

[] become a teacher

[X] watch a sunset

[] have a dog named Moose

[] be in a musical

[] see Wicked
[X] learn to drive a stick shift

[] go to the Kentucky Derby

[] go to a professional baseball game

[X] eat calamari (fried squid)
[X] eat sushi

[X] make home made ice cream

[X] see the lights at Temple Square during Christmas

[] go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas

[X] get thrown into a pool fully clothed

[X] mud wrestling

[X] meet a celebrity

[X] donate hair to Locks of Love

[X] keep a blessings journal

[] make a difference

Mistakes

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Some minor, some not so minor. These things have a way of ripping me apart from the inside-out.

I start to dwell on them, thinking the situation over and over again, wondering,

what if?

What if I would have listened to my conscience and gotten out of the situation?

What if I had said something different?

What if I would have been somewhere else?

What if I had walked away?

What if...?

Thinking all these things has left me feeling  

empty, unwanted, overwhelmed, unworthy, depressed, 

and most of all, 

afraid.

I was talking to Tyler today and he said something that made this thought click in my head. 

It was firm and unwavering.

No matter what we have done, no matter how unworthy we feel we are, no matter how far we have strayed,

no matter what kind of hell we are in,

WE ARE LOVED.

We are loved unconditionally by a Father in Heaven, the very Creator of the Universe, who would not forsake us because we made a mistake or two. That's the thing about this life, we are going to screw up. He knew that. That's why He sent his Son to perform the Atonement. The Atonement covers each of our imperfections, each of our mistakes, if we give them to God and trust that He will care for us.

I promise you that He will. He will care for you. He will heal your broken heart. He will remove the anguish of sin and heartache. He will make it so that you can overcome any trial. 

Why else would we be here on this Earth if not to learn and overcome and become the kind of men and women that we have the potential to be? Our divine potential is so great! Nothing can take that from you. No sin, no mistake, no act will remove that.

That's the one thing that I know for sure, that we are SO loved, that we are never going to do anything that will estrange us from that love. 

It's easier said than done, I know. I am still learning to apply this in my own life, especially when I know that I have done something that is life-altering, something that is not to be taken lightly. Even though I know that I have screwed up and that I need to repent and move forward, I can't shake the thought that I am still loved and cherished, that I can and will overcome. Maybe not right now, maybe not even in the next month, but I will get better through the goodness, grace, and mercy of God. 

Dear T: That Should Be Us

Of all the weddings that I have been to in the recent past, I think that tonight's is going to be the hardest.

I was so happy for Lins and Cort, just like I am so happy for Cody and Camille, but here's the thing,

that should be us.

It should be us promising forever.

It should be us starting our lives together.

It should be us dancing to our song.

It should be us that everyone will be

talking about for the rest of the year.

But it's not.

Last weekend when I went branding with you and the family, I felt like things were okay.

Like we were okay.

Like I was going to be okay.

But I'm not.

I'm jealous.

I'm hurt.

I'm beyond sad.

but mostly,

I realized that 

I'm still in love with you.

I watched you with your little cousins, with Casey and Lindee's kids. 

I watched you doing what you love.

I watched you with your family.

and I saw myself falling all over again.

I'm not one of those girls that holds on forever when things end, but

I can't shake you.

I know I royally screwed up.

I know I haven't helped you like I should.

I know I'm not the best girl out there.

But I have a question.

Am I still the one you want to be with forever?

Am I still your best friend?

Does your dream still include me?

Because mine does.

Mine is you.

Mine will always be you.

Dear T: The End (For Real This Time)

So it's over for real now.

After six months of being attached at the hip, it's really over.

The thing is that I'm not really sad.

I am, but I'm not.

I'm sad that you gave up on it so easily, that as soon as things got hard you left.

I'm more mad than anything.

I'm mad at myself mostly.

I'm mad that I believed you.

I'm mad that I believed all the times that you told me that you loved me.

I'm mad that I believed you when you made me look you in the eyes and you told me that you would 

never leave.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said forever.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said that I was the one.

I'm mad that I gave you everything, that I gave up my heart for the first time in a very long time, and I gave it wholly trusting you with it, knowing that I was supposed to be with you, and all that was just thrown aside.

I don't think you understand how hard it was for me to do that. How many times I prayed and prayed that I would be safe with you. How many times I prayed to know if we were supposed to be together. Every time the answer was that you were it. That you were the one that I was supposed to be with for eternity.

and then your doubts got in the way

My answer from God is still the same.

I understand that the timing is wrong, but why should we give it all up?

Why can't we just be happy together for the time being?

You asked me a few days ago if I was ever going to trust you again.

The truth is that I have to. You have more of me than anyone else. You know things about me that not even my closest friends know. I have to trust that you won't invade upon those things. But, I have realized that it is going to take a lot for me to believe you again.

Maybe I'm just a sucker.

Maybe I pushed too hard.

Maybe I didn't push enough.

The truth is that we may never know.

The only thing that I know right now is that I have to move on. I can't keep waiting for you. I can't fight this alone. At this point I feel like I've been going at it all alone since the beginning and I just can't do it anymore.

Do I regret anything? No.

Will I? No.

Does it hurt? Yes.

But here's the thing:

I'm going to be okay.

maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but I'm going to make it.

Dear T: The End

Dear T,

I can't help but feel like

I made the biggest mistake

Of my life. 

Walking away from you last night was The single hardest thing  I have ever had to do.  Looking back at you, sitting in the big blue chair with your head in your hands, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and hug you until you felt okay. 

We decided it was a good idea to take a break until we get things all figured out. although I know it is what we are supposed to do, it kills me to think that I may have walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

You are home to me. 

You are my family. 

I want us to be together more than anything. You changed my life. 

You changed my dreams. 

You spoke of forever, and I wanted forever to begin as soon as possible. 

You have my heart.

My whole heart. 

And you know I don't give that away easily. 

And the thing is that  I don't want it back. 

It's yours. 

It has been since the beginning. 

Before you I was afraid to let go. 

I was afraid to let the walls come down. 

I was afraid to love. 

I was afraid to listen when people said it was my time, that love was just around the corner. 

Then you happened. 

I don't want this to be goodbye. 

You're my best friend. 

Just remember that

I love you cowboy. 

I love you more than you'll ever know.