Superwoman

One night I was out with Wade and we went on a walk. It was fall, so the nights were chilly, but not so cold that you really needed a coat. Anyway, we were walking, and I had my hands in my pockets [because they're always cold] and he asked if I wanted his jacket. I said that I was okay, then he stopped me, looked right into my eyes and said,

"You don't always have to be

superwoman, you know that right?"

The truth is, that's how I have always been.

I've always been the rock.

I've always been the one that has kept my head above water and helped everyone else. When things are falling apart, for some strange reason I am the one that people look to.

For example, when my grandpa died, I was the one that everyone looked to to see how to cope. It was only when I broke down at the funeral that everyone else let the water works go too.

Example number two, when I was playing ball, everyone came to me with their thoughts about how things could be better when I wasn't even a captain, and I was the one that went to coach.

Yet another, whenever people feel like they can't do things, they turn to me. If I can't do it, then they label it as an impossible task.

Why do we do that?

Why do we pin things on people like that?

Why do we seem to have that feeling that this is okay?

What happened to self-reliance and persistence?

If you're not one of those 'super-people' that get everything dumped on them like that, you probably won't understand the insane amount of pressure that comes with it. It's ridiculous.

I know that we really shouldn't worry about it, and probably shouldn't feel like we have to do things, but sometimes, that's just who we are

The Truth About Birthdays

So Sunday is my birthday.

the big 2-1.

21 going on what feels like 50.

Truth is, I hate birthdays.

Okay, not all birthdays, just mine.

And no, it's not the whole i'm a year older, oh my gosh is that a wrinkle thing.

I've hated it since I was ten. So yeah, half of my life I have hated the only "holiday" celebrated for me.

I was ten. I was super stoked because, I mean, what little kid doesn't love their birthday? So I was all excited because I was going to go to dinner with my family, and for once I got to pick where we went. Talk about absolute elation on my part.

Well, unbeknownst to me, my parents had been having some, we'll call them problems. Well these problems bled into my birthday bliss and there was a huge, huge fight. and I mean like full on screaming, doors slamming, lots of adult words being used, and here sat little me. Stunned.

I didn't know what to do. I just went with it. We went to dinner.

It was super tense, but we ate.

happy birthday!

Fast forward two years later.

Same. Freaking. Situation.

Except this time I had a cell phone because I was playing ball on a higher level so we had a lot of practices. Anyway, all hell broke loose. On my birthday.

Right before dinner. Again.

[Is it just me or is anyone else seeing a trend here?]

I panicked. I just couldn't handle it. I had always had anxiety, but it was typically about school. This was the first time that I had a real panic attack.

I mean like, hysterical crying, hyperventilating, shaking, it wasn't pretty.

I ran out of my house and called my young women's leader who had grown up in a similar situation.

She wasn't home. [cue more panic]

I called my best friend.

Lucky enough, she was with a friend of ours, and her mom is kind of an expert with that kind of thing. She went to school to be a child psychologist before she had her kids. Anyway, I called, sobbing, and they came

to pick me up.

By this time, my dad had walked out the door and said 'Okay, let's go. Looks like it's just going to be me and you.' I just told him that I couldn't go. I

had called Tauni and she and Steph were coming to pick me up.

happy birthday!

It seems like this time every year things get really, really tense around here. I don't know if it's just because we all have cabin fever and want to get out or what, but it's not exactly  ideal for celebrating.

Year after year, it's just kind of been conditioned into me to be on edge around my birthday. It's like I am

waiting for the shoe to drop. For the rug to be ripped out from under me.

Regardless, I hate birthdays.

I'm The Girl

I'm just gonna throw this out there that I am one of those girls:

I'm one of those girls that takes on 2389756014 things besides my own agenda to help someone.

I'm one of those girls that is ridiculous amounts of afraid of disappointing people.

I'm one of those girls that pretends to have it all together, but really has no idea what is going on.

I'm one of those girls that will give you the benefit of the doubt until you double cross me, then it's over.

I'm one of those girls that has to fight every. single. day. to keep myself from backsliding.

I'm one of those girls that is afraid that the best years of my life are behind me, and they really weren't that great.

I'm one of those girls that doesn't have a lot of girl friends because I think that girls suck.

I'm one of those girls that keeps everything bottled up because that's what I've been taught.

I'm one of those girls that will respect my elders and those in authority, even if they don't deserve it or are rude to me.

I'm one of those girls that tells everyone that I'm okay and that everything is all good, when in reality I am falling apart.

I'm one of those girls that lives for summer because that's when I can be out on my own without having everything be questioned.

I'm one of those girls that has always done exactly what is expected of me, no questions asked.

I'm one of those girls that won't stand up to most people because I am afraid that I will need them later on if they cut me off.

I'm one of those girls that is pretty quiet on the outside, but my mind is constantly going.

I'm one of those girls that usually doesn't learn from my mistakes the first time.

I'm one of those girls that is so afraid of having someone tell me that I'm not good enough that I don't put myself out there.

Truth is, I think I'm just one of those girls who has had her heart broken one too many times.

Be Kind

I've been noticing a lot of negativity lately everywhere that I go. Maybe I'm just one of those people that just goes with the flow of things, but I just keep thinking

ya'll just need to chill out

and BE NICE.

Seriously.

I go to school and I hear so much negativity.

People bashing on their teachers, their friends, the girl who isn't up with the latest trend, the random couple that doesn't look like they would be likely to date, etc.

I just need a second to say:

I. AM. SICK. OF. IT.

I am sick of hearing it at school,

sick of hearing it at home,

sick of hearing it at the store,

sick of reading about it on

Facebook and Twitter,

I'm just plain over it.

If you have something mean to say, then don't say it. Like literally. If you wouldn't say it to your little brother or sister, or a little kid in general, then just don't say it.

None of us know what kind of battles each other are dealing with.

Some battles are apparent, we can see them in everyday life. Most battles are internal and most people wouldn't know that they are even happening unless they were told.

So, to recap what I have already said and said again, and will repeat:

BE. NICE.  end of story.