As y'all know, 2014 was NOT the best year for me. But there's something that I haven't really mentioned: the fact that I lost faith.
I lost nearly all faith in God and the love that He has for me and you.
Being the only member of the Church in your family is already hard enough, but when you have something that 100% rocks your world and essentially rips you apart inside, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Some of you may know that when T came into my life, I had been praying and really looking for that someone that I would spend the rest of eternity with. It was a conscious thing. And the first day that I saw him I had this overwhelming feeling come over me; something inside said,
"He's the one you're going to marry."
I didn't even know him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or what he was like, all I knew was what had been spoken to my heart that day. It was a month before he and I ever spoke beyond some small talk in class...
And then we didn't stop talking.
Then we started dating.
I met his family and fell in love with them.
It was then that I realized that I was head over heels in love with him too.
Two days later, I told him how I felt.
Off and on he would mention that he was having doubts about us.
About where the relationship was going.
About whether we really were supposed to spend forever together.
I had so much faith that it would work - that if we just put our trust in God and in each other's love that it would work out and the doubts would diminish.
And then they didn't.
The first time we decided to take a break, I thought that my heart would never mend. I sat on his lap in the big blue chair and cried while he held me. Then I walked out the door and swore that I was going to be all right by the time that I saw him the next day in class.
That next day he told me that he realized he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to get back together, so we did. A couple months later we were driving back home from a rodeo in his hometown and he looked over at me and said,
"I want to get married. And I want to marry you."
So we told our families and it became kind of a waiting game until we both were in a place mentally, physically, and spiritually that was good enough for us to get married.
And then we broke up again.
I felt like my world was crushed.
I had prayed for this, why wasn't God helping us?
Why were things getting harder?
Why did T choose to leave even though we were still in love?
Wasn't I good enough?
I was angry.
I was angry at God for taking the one I loved away from me.
I was angry that T changed his mind.
I was angry that I let myself fall so hard for someone who wasn't sure about me.
On top of being angry, I was depressed. I've had a pretty consistent battle with depression since I was little, so the little ups and downs weren't a big surprise, but I hit absolute rock bottom.
I cried for weeks. I couldn't look people in the eye because I didn't want to see the look of pity that they gave me when they heard what happened. I thought about suicide. I thought about drinking the pain away. I thought about disappearing completely; just getting in the car and going.
I turned away from the single source that I knew would give me strength and peace,
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I had talked to T about these feelings and anxieties that I was having and he, in turn, told his bishop... who told my bishop... who called me and claimed he just "wanted to chat."
Did I want to go to Bishop's office? No.
I didn't have the strength or courage to face him.
I was so afraid that he was going to judge me, that I was going to become one of those Mormon "projects."
But that's not what happened.
I shook his hand and sat down across the desk from him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jess, you look like you've been through hell."
I lost it.
I cried so hard that I couldn't form coherent words, let alone an actual sentence.
And he let me cry. He said that he already knew what happened because of the conversation he had with T's bishop so I didn't have to say anything about it right then. Then he said something that I will never forget: he said,
"Jess, you are SO loved. I know you're having a hard time, but please don't push your Heavenly Father away. He and Jesus Christ know you, they love you, and they hate seeing you hurting like this."
For some reason, something inside me snapped. I knew that I had to turn my life around because I couldn't go on living like I was. Things didn't get easier at first. Actually, they got harder. The anger didn't get better. The depression didn't get better. I went through the motions and wondered time and again if all the pain and suffering was actually worth it.
Let me tell you folks, it was worth it.
Rock bottom became the sure foundation upon which I have built this new life.
I'm consistently finding myself expressing gratitude to my Father for the wonderful life that He has given me a second chance at. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful Savior who took upon himself my sins and heartaches. It is so comforting to know that He knows exactly what I'm going through, because He went through it FOR me in the Garden of Gethsemane so that He could succor me as I experienced a fraction of what He felt.
My friends,
don't ever think that you are a burden to God.
Don't ever think that He does not care about you, HE DOES!!
Don't ever think that you are alone in this life, HE IS THERE.
Most of all, don't ever think that you are a lost cause. Jesus Christ is continually beckoning to each of us, calling out to us in the darkness saying, "Come unto me."
So come! Come to Him! He is waiting to embrace you and fill the cracks in your heart with the healing balm of His love;
and I promise He will if you reach out to Him because He did the same for me.
I lost nearly all faith in God and the love that He has for me and you.
Being the only member of the Church in your family is already hard enough, but when you have something that 100% rocks your world and essentially rips you apart inside, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Some of you may know that when T came into my life, I had been praying and really looking for that someone that I would spend the rest of eternity with. It was a conscious thing. And the first day that I saw him I had this overwhelming feeling come over me; something inside said,
"He's the one you're going to marry."
I didn't even know him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or what he was like, all I knew was what had been spoken to my heart that day. It was a month before he and I ever spoke beyond some small talk in class...
And then we didn't stop talking.
Then we started dating.
I met his family and fell in love with them.
It was then that I realized that I was head over heels in love with him too.
Two days later, I told him how I felt.
Off and on he would mention that he was having doubts about us.
About where the relationship was going.
About whether we really were supposed to spend forever together.
I had so much faith that it would work - that if we just put our trust in God and in each other's love that it would work out and the doubts would diminish.
And then they didn't.
The first time we decided to take a break, I thought that my heart would never mend. I sat on his lap in the big blue chair and cried while he held me. Then I walked out the door and swore that I was going to be all right by the time that I saw him the next day in class.
That next day he told me that he realized he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to get back together, so we did. A couple months later we were driving back home from a rodeo in his hometown and he looked over at me and said,
"I want to get married. And I want to marry you."
So we told our families and it became kind of a waiting game until we both were in a place mentally, physically, and spiritually that was good enough for us to get married.
And then we broke up again.
I felt like my world was crushed.
I had prayed for this, why wasn't God helping us?
Why were things getting harder?
Why did T choose to leave even though we were still in love?
Wasn't I good enough?
I was angry.
I was angry at God for taking the one I loved away from me.
I was angry that T changed his mind.
I was angry that I let myself fall so hard for someone who wasn't sure about me.
On top of being angry, I was depressed. I've had a pretty consistent battle with depression since I was little, so the little ups and downs weren't a big surprise, but I hit absolute rock bottom.
I cried for weeks. I couldn't look people in the eye because I didn't want to see the look of pity that they gave me when they heard what happened. I thought about suicide. I thought about drinking the pain away. I thought about disappearing completely; just getting in the car and going.
I turned away from the single source that I knew would give me strength and peace,
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
I had talked to T about these feelings and anxieties that I was having and he, in turn, told his bishop... who told my bishop... who called me and claimed he just "wanted to chat."
Did I want to go to Bishop's office? No.
I didn't have the strength or courage to face him.
I was so afraid that he was going to judge me, that I was going to become one of those Mormon "projects."
But that's not what happened.
I shook his hand and sat down across the desk from him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jess, you look like you've been through hell."
I lost it.
I cried so hard that I couldn't form coherent words, let alone an actual sentence.
And he let me cry. He said that he already knew what happened because of the conversation he had with T's bishop so I didn't have to say anything about it right then. Then he said something that I will never forget: he said,
"Jess, you are SO loved. I know you're having a hard time, but please don't push your Heavenly Father away. He and Jesus Christ know you, they love you, and they hate seeing you hurting like this."
For some reason, something inside me snapped. I knew that I had to turn my life around because I couldn't go on living like I was. Things didn't get easier at first. Actually, they got harder. The anger didn't get better. The depression didn't get better. I went through the motions and wondered time and again if all the pain and suffering was actually worth it.
Let me tell you folks, it was worth it.
Rock bottom became the sure foundation upon which I have built this new life.
I'm consistently finding myself expressing gratitude to my Father for the wonderful life that He has given me a second chance at. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful Savior who took upon himself my sins and heartaches. It is so comforting to know that He knows exactly what I'm going through, because He went through it FOR me in the Garden of Gethsemane so that He could succor me as I experienced a fraction of what He felt.
My friends,
don't ever think that you are a burden to God.
Don't ever think that He does not care about you, HE DOES!!
Don't ever think that you are alone in this life, HE IS THERE.
Most of all, don't ever think that you are a lost cause. Jesus Christ is continually beckoning to each of us, calling out to us in the darkness saying, "Come unto me."
So come! Come to Him! He is waiting to embrace you and fill the cracks in your heart with the healing balm of His love;
and I promise He will if you reach out to Him because He did the same for me.
