I've been kind of moping around lately.
My best friend is getting married in August and moving to Hawaii.
She's really all I have. I miss her already and she's not even gone.
I guess I'm just jealous; not that she's moving to Oahu, more that she's found herself through someone else.
Every day I am reminded of what I really want from life.
I'm reminded that the real reason that we're all here is to find love.
to find that one person that makes us happy,
the one that makes us laugh, makes us cry, makes us giddy,
the one who tells us every day that we are all that they need,
that we're loved, that we're perfect just the way we are.
I've never been on a real date, nor have I had a guy that I felt like he would demolish the walls I've built.
It's a true fact. 19 1/2 years old and I've never known love, or heartache, or heartbreak.
You might think that is a good thing, but I'm not so sure.
How am I supposed to know what I really want if I haven't been able to eliminate anything?
I don't want to play the blame game, but some of why I have these walls around my heart and mind is because of my parents.
A few years ago my home life was pretty crappy.
I was honestly afraid to go home.
[thankfully I had an incredible friend and church leader, Linda, who took me in and helped me through the rough patches since she had been through it, too]
It was a constant fight between my parents.
Constant yelling, screaming,
me crying, leaving to who knows where [I'm honestly surprised that I didn't get kidnapped or anything since I wandered off a lot]
more yelling, arguing, probably hitting, but I never stayed around long enough for that.
It scared me. It still scares me.
Two years ago- after pretending that everything was okay for so long,
my mom and I were doing some shopping.
I still remember exactly how it went:
Picked up some Arctic Circle (I love that place. so much.)
Went to the county fairgrounds
sat at a picnic table that they have out under all the HUGE cotton trees
I ate about three bites of my cheeseburger and maybe two fries
then my mom sprang it on me.
She looked right at me and said
"I have a question. Would it bother you if I said that I'm filing for divorce from your dad?"
divorce.
umm yes! pick me! YES it bothers me!
but all I said was "it doesn't come as a surprise"
The next day was a Sunday.
I went to church, pretended that I was okay though my ever-faithful friend Linda, asked if everything was okay for about the 298375234 time during that meeting.
"yep. I'm good, really." with that fake smile [ya'll know the one I'm talking about]
when in reality I just wanted to start sobbing and tell her no
no, I'm not okay.
Later that night I went through the routine,
silent dinner, looks that could make a rock grow legs and run,
then I did dishes, just like I do every week.
I got done, walked out of the kitchen and saw that my mom was on a mission
with papers in her hand, marching toward my dad.
"Jessica. you need to leave. now."
you don't have to ask me twice.
there was yelling before I even hit the end of the driveway.
I called Linda. I was walking.
to where, I don't know. I never had a location.
I just walked until my legs couldn't go anymore and found myself at home.
She could tell that something was wrong
"Linda, I am probably going to be moving."
"why"
"because my parents are getting a divorce."
no tears. no shakiness. no nothing. I was just
numb.
I was given 24 hours to choose who I wanted to live with.
I chose my dad. We always get along.
Mom flipped. It was the silent treatment for a month.
Turns out they're still together and things are better
but I sometimes wonder if it's still an act, for my sake.
[I'll tell you later why I think they fought so much]
Anyway, back to the point.
I have walls.
walls that would put China's to shame.
I guess I'm just waiting for someone who will knock those walls to the ground.
Then maybe
just maybe
I'll know what it's like to be complete.
