I've learned a few things in 2014.
One of the most pressing things that has been on my mind lately has been about how my fairytale DIDN'T come true. I fell in love. I was planning a wedding. But none of that happened. My heart was shattered. I lost faith. I lost myself to overwhelming grief and depression. I drove myself to do things that I knew better than to do, just because I wanted to feel something, anything.
My fairytale didn't happen. And here's something that I want to remember for my future self, and possibly offer to someone else too. Here's something that the movies lie to you about:
THE GUY DOESN'T ALWAYS COME BACK.
I always had this impression that when I fell in love, when I knew that it was overwhelmingly true, and that I was going to marry said man, that I would NEVER let him go. I made that deal with myself and it hasn't worked out like that. I've fought and fought to keep this feeling, this love alive, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that that love is over, never to return, because he shut and locked the door behind him when he left.
I've been consumed with grief, depression, and anxiety for 9 months over this. I have been lost, with an overwhelming feeling like I have been drowning. I have prayed and prayed, begging, pleading, bargaining with God, pouring out the feelings of my heart, explaining that I would do anything to change the state of being that has overshadowed me in 2014.
I was asked to give things up. God asked me to remove myself from people and things that I love and have loved for years. God asked me to do one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do: fully and whole heartedly confess the sins that I have participated in and suffer the consequences.
God asked me to look to Him, to trust Him, to look for Him in all things because He is there.
The beauty of 2014 did not come until December, the final 31 pages of my 365 page book for the year. I had a very strong impression to receive my endowment and fully enter into the presence of the Lord in His house, the temple. I studied. I prayed. I tried to talk myself out of it, listing reasons that I should wait until I'm getting married to go since that's usually the reason that most girls go. But again and again I was prompted to go, and go NOW.
Since that day, I have been indescribably happier. Several people have mentioned as much. I don't know why, but I am. I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I'm far closer to God and His Spirit than I have ever been. And I am so so grateful for that.
But at the same time, I am sad. I am sad that this is the end. I am sad that I've lost such a great love and so many great friends. I am sad that I made so many horrible decisions in 2014 that led to me experiencing one of the darkest times in my life. But I am grateful.
I am so grateful for the mercy of God and the love that He bestows upon me every day. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings that have been loaded on me in this, my darkest time. I am grateful for those that have redirected me to the light and the truth, reminding me who I am and that I deserve the very best that life and God can give. But mostly, I am grateful for the time that I had with Tyler, that I learned what it truly means to love someone with all of my heart, and to know that at least once in my life, I experienced that one in a million kind of feeling, to know that I got to live what we all search our entire lives to find.
But here's the thing, I have so much faith that 2015 is going to be so much better, with so much happiness and so many blessings. 2015 is going to be the year that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, that things happen for me because I have worked hard to ensure that they do.
I've been consumed with grief, depression, and anxiety for 9 months over this. I have been lost, with an overwhelming feeling like I have been drowning. I have prayed and prayed, begging, pleading, bargaining with God, pouring out the feelings of my heart, explaining that I would do anything to change the state of being that has overshadowed me in 2014.
I was asked to give things up. God asked me to remove myself from people and things that I love and have loved for years. God asked me to do one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do: fully and whole heartedly confess the sins that I have participated in and suffer the consequences.
God asked me to look to Him, to trust Him, to look for Him in all things because He is there.
The beauty of 2014 did not come until December, the final 31 pages of my 365 page book for the year. I had a very strong impression to receive my endowment and fully enter into the presence of the Lord in His house, the temple. I studied. I prayed. I tried to talk myself out of it, listing reasons that I should wait until I'm getting married to go since that's usually the reason that most girls go. But again and again I was prompted to go, and go NOW.
Since that day, I have been indescribably happier. Several people have mentioned as much. I don't know why, but I am. I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I'm far closer to God and His Spirit than I have ever been. And I am so so grateful for that.
But at the same time, I am sad. I am sad that this is the end. I am sad that I've lost such a great love and so many great friends. I am sad that I made so many horrible decisions in 2014 that led to me experiencing one of the darkest times in my life. But I am grateful.
I am so grateful for the mercy of God and the love that He bestows upon me every day. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings that have been loaded on me in this, my darkest time. I am grateful for those that have redirected me to the light and the truth, reminding me who I am and that I deserve the very best that life and God can give. But mostly, I am grateful for the time that I had with Tyler, that I learned what it truly means to love someone with all of my heart, and to know that at least once in my life, I experienced that one in a million kind of feeling, to know that I got to live what we all search our entire lives to find.
But here's the thing, I have so much faith that 2015 is going to be so much better, with so much happiness and so many blessings. 2015 is going to be the year that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, that things happen for me because I have worked hard to ensure that they do.
