Keeping It Together: Part II

The other day my friend asked me why I put on the front of being a 'badass.'

Why I look up to those girls who are so strong.

Girls like Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Reba McEntire.

You know, the ones that sing "angry chick music."

I've reflected on this question quite a bit in the last couple of days. Really the only reason that I have

been able to come up with is that

I'm scared.

As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. And I've wrestled with it over and over again, trying to come up with some other reason. Trying to convince myself that I'm just having a hard day, I'm not really scared. It's such a wimpy word. The last thing that I want is someone thinking that I need to be rescued. Or to be

turned into someone's project.

Tonight I was 'dealing' with the idea of this fear and I got thinking,

What is it that I have to be afraid of?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks

I am afraid of these feelings that I've had since I came back to Logan. I found someone just as broken and just as scared as me. And we ran. I say we because it's true, it wasn't just him. I ran too.

After Wade, I've learned to tread water

barely

I completely fell through the ice.I fell for him so hard. so fast. and then he left. Left for another girl. and left me feeling alone, broken, and worthless. I told myself that it wasn't going to happen again, that I was going to be more careful because the pain was unbearable.

Fast forward almost exactly a year. The ridiculous pain is back. No eating, no sleeping, no focus, and thoughts are constantly about Boone. Trying, fighting so hard not to call him, text him, talk to him every day.

They say it gets easier with time. Well, it's been a month since I saw him, yet he hasn't left my mind.

I'm scared that I made a mistake.

What if I messed things up with him?

I know that there's no going back now, but how do I move forward when I feel like I'm left just hanging.

This is where my subconscious tells me 'ya just keep chuggin along' and then I take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and realize that the pain just means that

I'm alive.

Current Jams

I feel the strange need to share
my current favorite songs
[prepare for YouTube overload]

Hard to Love- Lee Brice

Come Wake Me Up- Rascal Flatts

Come Over- Kenny Chesney

Blown Away- Carrie Underwood

Fastest Girl In Town- Miranda Lambert

Keepin' It Together

Since I've come 'home' to Loganfrom the ranch, I have felt

different.

I don't really know what it is,but something has changed.

Is it me? Is it my friends?

Is it my environment?

In all honesty,it has me downright

scared.

I was talking to one of my best friends about this change, and she said 'you seem to have it together'

The truth is, I don't.

I don't have it together.

I miss my family; my ranch family.

I miss being away from everything.

I miss being forced to deal with

my problems instead of having so many outlets to run away from them.

I miss comedy hour at dinner.

I miss talking to people about life instead of just small talk.

I miss living with my best friend.

I miss being able to walk out into the trap and have instant connections with the horses.

I miss having to trust myself.

I miss having people trust me to  learn something potentially dangerous

on my own.

Mostly, I miss the person that I was when I was there.

Maybe that's what has changed,

I have to adjust back to living the way that I was before my world was completely turned around.

Don't get me wrong, I love school. But something has changed in that too, my heart isn't in it anymore.

That's because I left it here.