Dear T: What I Couldn't Say

It's been almost exactly a year from the day that I first told you that I loved you. 

At the time I said that I was afraid of falling for you without you being there to catch me. I also said that I was more afraid of facing a future without you. 

All the things I told you that first night are all still true. Nothing has changed for me, my feelings are the same.

Yes, I want to hit you a little more often, yes, you still drive me crazy, but if anything, I only love you more. 

Pushing me away does nothing to lessen how I feel. 

You are still my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night, it's been that way for over a year now. You are all I've ever wanted, inside and out.

I've done a lot of stupid things to make you jealous, to make you wish that things were different, to show you that I, too, was jealous, and I've even done some things to hurt you. For all of these, I genuinely apologize and hope you can forgive me.

I have to tell you that I have changed. 

I have a real focus now, something that I know will only change me further, for the better.

I'm removing those toxins in my life that I know have hurt not only me, but you as well. And I'm so sorry for allowing that to happen to you, that is my biggest regret in all of this.

I realize now that I have hurt you in ways that I can never repair, but I hope that someday those wounds can heal and you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I read this quote in a book a few weeks ago and as I've been trying to think of a way to tell you what I feel, I think it does a better job than I ever could, so here it is:

"Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings. I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep in your arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again. You may not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same. I know you're afraid and I am too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance."

That is exactly how I feel. I know none of this has been easy, and it probably won't be in the future, but I would take all the bad for just one moment of the good with you. 

So I guess at this point I'm just going to say that the ball is in your court. I'm still in love with you, but from this point forward, whether I stay in your life or not is up to you, I won't keep interfering.

I sincerely hope you keep that sparkle in your eye and that stupid little grin on your face. 

After all, that's what made me fall in love with you in the first place.

But if this is goodbye, have a good ride, cowboy. 

And thank you, because I wouldn't change a thing.