2013: The Beginning

So as of late, I've been kind of.... lost.

I mean, I keep it together, after all that is what I do best.

But I've been wandering.

And I don't mean wandering in a good way.

It's been one of those

What am I doing?

Am I really supposed to do this?

Is this really where I'm supposed to be?

Am I insane for adding another major and changing everything around?

kind of things.

As in questioning basically everything in my life.

Even those things that I know deep down are real.

Things like school, religion, family, etc.

I've been so wrapped up in myself lately.

I don't mean in a conceited way, I mean like lost in my own head.

Letting in thoughts that I know are not from the spirit, nor are good for me.

Today in sacrament meeting I was sitting there, listening to all these other people, really strong people, sharing their testimonies of the Church and about the things that come with a new year. Then next thing I know I am walking up to the pulpit-- from the very back row.

So after this walk of shame, it was like some completely different person started talking. Everything I said was true, and came from real experiences that I have had lately, but I just hadn't made the connection

until I started talking.

It went something like this:

I was walking my horse the other day (she was being a snot and needed to learn a lesson so we were walking on my terms instead of on hers) and I was asking myself a bunch of questions and stressing about things that I really didn't need to worry about.

Next thing I know, Sugar STOMPS on my foot. and when I say stomp, I mean like pick-foot-completely-up-slam-it-down- lean-full-weight-into-foot-for-an-extended-period kind of stomp. I was crying by the time she got off.

Anyway, she stomped on my toes while I was mid pity party and I had this thought, actually it was more of a

brick to the head kind of thought of

I don't need to worry about this stuff.

I don't need to stress about the fact that I am only a year away from graduating and I am changing my major completely around. I don't need to- nor do I have the right to- question God or His timing.

I don't need to worry about things that are so far down the road. I have so many things left to do, and those paths could, and probably will, take me far from what and where I thought I would be.

It was like the feeling of the last 4 months of self-loathing, loneliness, depression, confusion, and darkness was lifted for a minute. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that. Even today, six hours after this experience. I don't think it will ever go fully away, at least not for a while. But there for a while it was like I could

finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could breathe. and it was incredible.

PS did I mention that 13 is my favorite number? therefore 2013 is going to be MY YEAR.

I can feel the winds of change blowing again, and last time they did, it led me to the greatest adventure of my life.