Mistakes

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Some minor, some not so minor. These things have a way of ripping me apart from the inside-out.

I start to dwell on them, thinking the situation over and over again, wondering,

what if?

What if I would have listened to my conscience and gotten out of the situation?

What if I had said something different?

What if I would have been somewhere else?

What if I had walked away?

What if...?

Thinking all these things has left me feeling  

empty, unwanted, overwhelmed, unworthy, depressed, 

and most of all, 

afraid.

I was talking to Tyler today and he said something that made this thought click in my head. 

It was firm and unwavering.

No matter what we have done, no matter how unworthy we feel we are, no matter how far we have strayed,

no matter what kind of hell we are in,

WE ARE LOVED.

We are loved unconditionally by a Father in Heaven, the very Creator of the Universe, who would not forsake us because we made a mistake or two. That's the thing about this life, we are going to screw up. He knew that. That's why He sent his Son to perform the Atonement. The Atonement covers each of our imperfections, each of our mistakes, if we give them to God and trust that He will care for us.

I promise you that He will. He will care for you. He will heal your broken heart. He will remove the anguish of sin and heartache. He will make it so that you can overcome any trial. 

Why else would we be here on this Earth if not to learn and overcome and become the kind of men and women that we have the potential to be? Our divine potential is so great! Nothing can take that from you. No sin, no mistake, no act will remove that.

That's the one thing that I know for sure, that we are SO loved, that we are never going to do anything that will estrange us from that love. 

It's easier said than done, I know. I am still learning to apply this in my own life, especially when I know that I have done something that is life-altering, something that is not to be taken lightly. Even though I know that I have screwed up and that I need to repent and move forward, I can't shake the thought that I am still loved and cherished, that I can and will overcome. Maybe not right now, maybe not even in the next month, but I will get better through the goodness, grace, and mercy of God. 

Dear T: That Should Be Us

Of all the weddings that I have been to in the recent past, I think that tonight's is going to be the hardest.

I was so happy for Lins and Cort, just like I am so happy for Cody and Camille, but here's the thing,

that should be us.

It should be us promising forever.

It should be us starting our lives together.

It should be us dancing to our song.

It should be us that everyone will be

talking about for the rest of the year.

But it's not.

Last weekend when I went branding with you and the family, I felt like things were okay.

Like we were okay.

Like I was going to be okay.

But I'm not.

I'm jealous.

I'm hurt.

I'm beyond sad.

but mostly,

I realized that 

I'm still in love with you.

I watched you with your little cousins, with Casey and Lindee's kids. 

I watched you doing what you love.

I watched you with your family.

and I saw myself falling all over again.

I'm not one of those girls that holds on forever when things end, but

I can't shake you.

I know I royally screwed up.

I know I haven't helped you like I should.

I know I'm not the best girl out there.

But I have a question.

Am I still the one you want to be with forever?

Am I still your best friend?

Does your dream still include me?

Because mine does.

Mine is you.

Mine will always be you.

Dear T: The End (For Real This Time)

So it's over for real now.

After six months of being attached at the hip, it's really over.

The thing is that I'm not really sad.

I am, but I'm not.

I'm sad that you gave up on it so easily, that as soon as things got hard you left.

I'm more mad than anything.

I'm mad at myself mostly.

I'm mad that I believed you.

I'm mad that I believed all the times that you told me that you loved me.

I'm mad that I believed you when you made me look you in the eyes and you told me that you would 

never leave.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said forever.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said that I was the one.

I'm mad that I gave you everything, that I gave up my heart for the first time in a very long time, and I gave it wholly trusting you with it, knowing that I was supposed to be with you, and all that was just thrown aside.

I don't think you understand how hard it was for me to do that. How many times I prayed and prayed that I would be safe with you. How many times I prayed to know if we were supposed to be together. Every time the answer was that you were it. That you were the one that I was supposed to be with for eternity.

and then your doubts got in the way

My answer from God is still the same.

I understand that the timing is wrong, but why should we give it all up?

Why can't we just be happy together for the time being?

You asked me a few days ago if I was ever going to trust you again.

The truth is that I have to. You have more of me than anyone else. You know things about me that not even my closest friends know. I have to trust that you won't invade upon those things. But, I have realized that it is going to take a lot for me to believe you again.

Maybe I'm just a sucker.

Maybe I pushed too hard.

Maybe I didn't push enough.

The truth is that we may never know.

The only thing that I know right now is that I have to move on. I can't keep waiting for you. I can't fight this alone. At this point I feel like I've been going at it all alone since the beginning and I just can't do it anymore.

Do I regret anything? No.

Will I? No.

Does it hurt? Yes.

But here's the thing:

I'm going to be okay.

maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but I'm going to make it.

Dear T: The End

Dear T,

I can't help but feel like

I made the biggest mistake

Of my life. 

Walking away from you last night was The single hardest thing  I have ever had to do.  Looking back at you, sitting in the big blue chair with your head in your hands, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and hug you until you felt okay. 

We decided it was a good idea to take a break until we get things all figured out. although I know it is what we are supposed to do, it kills me to think that I may have walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

You are home to me. 

You are my family. 

I want us to be together more than anything. You changed my life. 

You changed my dreams. 

You spoke of forever, and I wanted forever to begin as soon as possible. 

You have my heart.

My whole heart. 

And you know I don't give that away easily. 

And the thing is that  I don't want it back. 

It's yours. 

It has been since the beginning. 

Before you I was afraid to let go. 

I was afraid to let the walls come down. 

I was afraid to love. 

I was afraid to listen when people said it was my time, that love was just around the corner. 

Then you happened. 

I don't want this to be goodbye. 

You're my best friend. 

Just remember that

I love you cowboy. 

I love you more than you'll ever know. 

Dear T: Chapter 2

You keep telling me that you're afraid of breaking my heart.

Well, here's the deal.

Been there. Done that.

Honestly, I've been broken enough times that it doesn't even scare me anymore. And I have just accepted that at some point, everyone you love is going to crush you.

We're at this point right now that neither of us knows what to do.

Do we proceed?

Do we break up?

So we're just stuck in this awkward middle-ground. I think that more than anything, this is what is making us so tentative.

I don't do things half way.

When I'm in, I'm in.

and I'm in.

I really do appreciate and love you so much for keeping my feelings in the back of your mind. But here's the thing, you have to stop worrying about what it's going to do to me. Stop worrying about how I'm going to react. Stop worrying about my feelings.

I know where I stand, and you know that I trust you. I trust you to do whatever it is that you think is in your best interest. I can take care of myself, I've done it enough times before. 

I just don't want you to feel like you're settling with me.

Believe it or not, I really do want what is best for you, even if it means that I'm not in the picture.

You deserve the best.

I may not be the best, in fact, I know I'm not, but that's not what scares me.

I'm afraid that someday I'm going to regret it if I don't tell you exactly how I feel. I know I don't talk much, and that's because it's easier for me to write how I feel and show how I feel instead of actually saying how things really are.

Just know that I mean it when I tell you that I love you. I have all the confidence in the world in you and in whatever decision you decide to make. Regardless of how it ends, I'll have your back.

That's just how it works. That's what you do when you love someone.

So disregard my feelings. Put me aside and figure out what exactly it is that you want. Find what it is within yourself and realize that I'm going to back you up.

Dear T: The Truth

I don't know why this is so hard for me to say. Especially since I'm fairly sure that you feel the same way I do. But here we go, prepare for a lot of word vomiting and me talking in circles.

I like you.

You know that already though. Well, let's be honest, just about everyone knows that. You're exactly the kind of man I always imagined myself marrying. I have always been so afraid that I set myself up for failure because I had these insanely high standards, yet here you are.

Everything we have done together, all of our talks, it's all beyond my wildest dreams, and that scares me.

I can feel myself falling. 

And I'm so afraid that you're not going to be there to catch me at the bottom.

Really, when I told you that I thought I had been in love before, it was nothing even relatively close to this.

This is a whole new ball game.

This is real.

And that scares me too.

The future scares me, and right now I'm most scared that there is that possibility that there could be a future that you're not a part of.

I don't care that you'll be gone every weekend to a rodeo, I don't care that you'll only have $50 to your name. You have a dream, and I wouldn't dare ask you to give that up. You should never have to. If anything, all of this just makes me like you even more.

Every day I tell myself that this is crazy. I mean, it hasn't even been a month yet, but here I am turning into a softy, smiling about something you said or did a week ago, listening to all these love songs, thinking about you all the time. I don't know what's happening to me.

From the beginning I felt like something just clicked. I've fought it and I've fought it, but I realize that

there is something to this. It's constantly on my mind, even when I tell you that I'm not thinking of anything of consequence.

I've been thinking a lot about things this weekend, and last night it hit me.

It hit me really hard, like a 2x4 to the head.

So, here it is.

I love you too.

That's it.

Cut and dried.

The beginning and the end.

and I think I knew it all along.

This Place

There's just something about this place.

There's something about a place where you can ride across the land for days and still have things to see.

There's something about a place where you can look at the sky and

see millions of stars.

There's something about watching the sun rise

over a mountain top, knowing that this is a new day, a new beginning.

There's something about standing outside in the middle of a storm. Listening to the thunder roll off the mountain walls.

 There's something about a place that you can wake up every morning with a beautiful view

and never get tired of what you see.

There's something about a place that you can see the hand of God in everything.

There's something about a place.

Something about this place.