Dear T: The End (For Real This Time)

So it's over for real now.

After six months of being attached at the hip, it's really over.

The thing is that I'm not really sad.

I am, but I'm not.

I'm sad that you gave up on it so easily, that as soon as things got hard you left.

I'm more mad than anything.

I'm mad at myself mostly.

I'm mad that I believed you.

I'm mad that I believed all the times that you told me that you loved me.

I'm mad that I believed you when you made me look you in the eyes and you told me that you would 

never leave.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said forever.

I'm mad that I believed you when you said that I was the one.

I'm mad that I gave you everything, that I gave up my heart for the first time in a very long time, and I gave it wholly trusting you with it, knowing that I was supposed to be with you, and all that was just thrown aside.

I don't think you understand how hard it was for me to do that. How many times I prayed and prayed that I would be safe with you. How many times I prayed to know if we were supposed to be together. Every time the answer was that you were it. That you were the one that I was supposed to be with for eternity.

and then your doubts got in the way

My answer from God is still the same.

I understand that the timing is wrong, but why should we give it all up?

Why can't we just be happy together for the time being?

You asked me a few days ago if I was ever going to trust you again.

The truth is that I have to. You have more of me than anyone else. You know things about me that not even my closest friends know. I have to trust that you won't invade upon those things. But, I have realized that it is going to take a lot for me to believe you again.

Maybe I'm just a sucker.

Maybe I pushed too hard.

Maybe I didn't push enough.

The truth is that we may never know.

The only thing that I know right now is that I have to move on. I can't keep waiting for you. I can't fight this alone. At this point I feel like I've been going at it all alone since the beginning and I just can't do it anymore.

Do I regret anything? No.

Will I? No.

Does it hurt? Yes.

But here's the thing:

I'm going to be okay.

maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but I'm going to make it.