Beaten

Last night I was thinking about my b-e-a-utiful Sugar baby.

I remember when she was born. It was like we were insta-best friends. I halter broke her a week or so after she was born, I was always riding my bike to my grandparent's house to comb her and laugh at all the funny things she did.

And then I fell into this phase where I hated the farm. I hated the horses, I hated the cows, I hated all of it. I hated it so much that I didn't even feel any remorse when my barn and almost two years worth of hay crop burned in a fire. I just didn't care. I didn't even drive 'down around the loop' for almost five years.

In that time, Sugar's mom had died  and she had been taken to a trainer to break her. [keep in mind that I really didn't care] I didn't even know when she got back to the farm.

Since I had no real desire to be around her or do anything with her, my Gramps sent her to this guy whose family had always had horses. He trained her as a roping horse, which is awesome, but he also beat her. As in abuse beat her. If you really pay attention when you pet her back you can feel the scars from the welts.

Anyway, I came back into the fold and realized that I was an idiot for leaving. I asked my grandpa a bunch of times if I could somehow get Sugar to go riding. Finally the guy brought her back and told Gramps that he "didn't have time for her anymore" I was so excited when I saw her that I started crying.

I went over just to see what was up, pet her and such, just get reacquainted.

She came running down the pasture to me, but as soon as I reached my hand out to pet her

she shied away.

Let me tell ya. 

There is nothing more disappointing than having someone (or something) that you love turn from you and run.

So I finally got her to the point that I could ride. I went a few times, but when it got cold, I didn't go over as often. She went back to being afraid of everything.

It's taken a lot of work to get her to the point that she is at right now. She's still not top notch, but she's a lot better than she was. Just like everyone else, she has her days.

Some days I spend hours sitting in the middle of the pasture, not being able to get within 10 feet of her. Other days she walks right up.

This is why I added a second major,

Equine Science.

I want to help horses like this.

I want to teach them they don't need to be afraid.

Anyway, to the point here.

In my institute class we have to write our own parables. I was thinking that this could work.

Remember when the disciples and Christ were on a boat and the sea was all stormy and they woke Him and asked to calm the sea? and then he asked

"Why are ye fearful?" [Matt. 8:26]

I got thinking about this.  I've been like Sugar lately: I've been afraid. I've been skiddish. I haven't been  trusting when I have no reason not to trust Him. I was so willing to give up everything before.

  wasn't afraid to drop everything at His request. I would come running when He would beckon.

I've been beaten.

Why do we shy away when we know that He is there to help us, to be our advocate?

If we took half of the time that we take to learn secular things, we would be so so much better off. We would realize that there is nothing that we can do in this life that will make Him love us any less. There is nothing that we can't come back from. We just need that little bit of faith. That little bit of trust in Him that He's not going to beat us. He's not going to condemn us. 

That's just not how it works

2013: The Beginning

So as of late, I've been kind of.... lost.

I mean, I keep it together, after all that is what I do best.

But I've been wandering.

And I don't mean wandering in a good way.

It's been one of those

What am I doing?

Am I really supposed to do this?

Is this really where I'm supposed to be?

Am I insane for adding another major and changing everything around?

kind of things.

As in questioning basically everything in my life.

Even those things that I know deep down are real.

Things like school, religion, family, etc.

I've been so wrapped up in myself lately.

I don't mean in a conceited way, I mean like lost in my own head.

Letting in thoughts that I know are not from the spirit, nor are good for me.

Today in sacrament meeting I was sitting there, listening to all these other people, really strong people, sharing their testimonies of the Church and about the things that come with a new year. Then next thing I know I am walking up to the pulpit-- from the very back row.

So after this walk of shame, it was like some completely different person started talking. Everything I said was true, and came from real experiences that I have had lately, but I just hadn't made the connection

until I started talking.

It went something like this:

I was walking my horse the other day (she was being a snot and needed to learn a lesson so we were walking on my terms instead of on hers) and I was asking myself a bunch of questions and stressing about things that I really didn't need to worry about.

Next thing I know, Sugar STOMPS on my foot. and when I say stomp, I mean like pick-foot-completely-up-slam-it-down- lean-full-weight-into-foot-for-an-extended-period kind of stomp. I was crying by the time she got off.

Anyway, she stomped on my toes while I was mid pity party and I had this thought, actually it was more of a

brick to the head kind of thought of

I don't need to worry about this stuff.

I don't need to stress about the fact that I am only a year away from graduating and I am changing my major completely around. I don't need to- nor do I have the right to- question God or His timing.

I don't need to worry about things that are so far down the road. I have so many things left to do, and those paths could, and probably will, take me far from what and where I thought I would be.

It was like the feeling of the last 4 months of self-loathing, loneliness, depression, confusion, and darkness was lifted for a minute. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that. Even today, six hours after this experience. I don't think it will ever go fully away, at least not for a while. But there for a while it was like I could

finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could breathe. and it was incredible.

PS did I mention that 13 is my favorite number? therefore 2013 is going to be MY YEAR.

I can feel the winds of change blowing again, and last time they did, it led me to the greatest adventure of my life.

Dear Boy: A Year

I realized today that it has been over a year.

A year since I dated Wade.

A year since I got back on my horse.

A year since I learned so much

A lot and yet so little has changed in a year.

I gained a second family at the ranch.

I gained so much more confidence.

Confidence in myself, confidence in my instincts, confidence in the horses, and confidence that 

I can do new things.

After Wade I was so scared, so.... broken.A year later I finally realized that

I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY.

I realized that it's not up to someone else to make me happy. it's up to me.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE ME HAPPY.

I still don't know what I'm doing over 90% of the time, but

I. Am. Still. Going.

and that's the important thing.

You Get A New Dream

Okay, so ya'll know the part on Tangled when Rapunzel and Ryder are out floatin' in the boat and she

asks what she's going to do now that she's achieved her dream of seeing the lights and Ryder says to her,

You get to go find a new dream.

Well, I kind of feel like that's where I am in my life. I mean, this summer I accomplished way more than I thought I would.

I moved out on my own, I learned to rope, I was in a rodeo, I broke a colt, I made new friends, I learned who I was.

Since I came back for school, I've been stuck in this thought of

well what now?

I still have no idea what to do now. So, seriously, if you have any suggestions as to what I could do with my life, let me know. For now, I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride.

Keeping It Together: Part II

The other day my friend asked me why I put on the front of being a 'badass.'

Why I look up to those girls who are so strong.

Girls like Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Reba McEntire.

You know, the ones that sing "angry chick music."

I've reflected on this question quite a bit in the last couple of days. Really the only reason that I have

been able to come up with is that

I'm scared.

As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. And I've wrestled with it over and over again, trying to come up with some other reason. Trying to convince myself that I'm just having a hard day, I'm not really scared. It's such a wimpy word. The last thing that I want is someone thinking that I need to be rescued. Or to be

turned into someone's project.

Tonight I was 'dealing' with the idea of this fear and I got thinking,

What is it that I have to be afraid of?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks

I am afraid of these feelings that I've had since I came back to Logan. I found someone just as broken and just as scared as me. And we ran. I say we because it's true, it wasn't just him. I ran too.

After Wade, I've learned to tread water

barely

I completely fell through the ice.I fell for him so hard. so fast. and then he left. Left for another girl. and left me feeling alone, broken, and worthless. I told myself that it wasn't going to happen again, that I was going to be more careful because the pain was unbearable.

Fast forward almost exactly a year. The ridiculous pain is back. No eating, no sleeping, no focus, and thoughts are constantly about Boone. Trying, fighting so hard not to call him, text him, talk to him every day.

They say it gets easier with time. Well, it's been a month since I saw him, yet he hasn't left my mind.

I'm scared that I made a mistake.

What if I messed things up with him?

I know that there's no going back now, but how do I move forward when I feel like I'm left just hanging.

This is where my subconscious tells me 'ya just keep chuggin along' and then I take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and realize that the pain just means that

I'm alive.

Current Jams

I feel the strange need to share
my current favorite songs
[prepare for YouTube overload]

Hard to Love- Lee Brice

Come Wake Me Up- Rascal Flatts

Come Over- Kenny Chesney

Blown Away- Carrie Underwood

Fastest Girl In Town- Miranda Lambert

Keepin' It Together

Since I've come 'home' to Loganfrom the ranch, I have felt

different.

I don't really know what it is,but something has changed.

Is it me? Is it my friends?

Is it my environment?

In all honesty,it has me downright

scared.

I was talking to one of my best friends about this change, and she said 'you seem to have it together'

The truth is, I don't.

I don't have it together.

I miss my family; my ranch family.

I miss being away from everything.

I miss being forced to deal with

my problems instead of having so many outlets to run away from them.

I miss comedy hour at dinner.

I miss talking to people about life instead of just small talk.

I miss living with my best friend.

I miss being able to walk out into the trap and have instant connections with the horses.

I miss having to trust myself.

I miss having people trust me to  learn something potentially dangerous

on my own.

Mostly, I miss the person that I was when I was there.

Maybe that's what has changed,

I have to adjust back to living the way that I was before my world was completely turned around.

Don't get me wrong, I love school. But something has changed in that too, my heart isn't in it anymore.

That's because I left it here.