Dear T: The End

Dear T,

I can't help but feel like

I made the biggest mistake

Of my life. 

Walking away from you last night was The single hardest thing  I have ever had to do.  Looking back at you, sitting in the big blue chair with your head in your hands, I wanted nothing more than to turn around and hug you until you felt okay. 

We decided it was a good idea to take a break until we get things all figured out. although I know it is what we are supposed to do, it kills me to think that I may have walked away from the best thing that has ever happened to me. 

You are home to me. 

You are my family. 

I want us to be together more than anything. You changed my life. 

You changed my dreams. 

You spoke of forever, and I wanted forever to begin as soon as possible. 

You have my heart.

My whole heart. 

And you know I don't give that away easily. 

And the thing is that  I don't want it back. 

It's yours. 

It has been since the beginning. 

Before you I was afraid to let go. 

I was afraid to let the walls come down. 

I was afraid to love. 

I was afraid to listen when people said it was my time, that love was just around the corner. 

Then you happened. 

I don't want this to be goodbye. 

You're my best friend. 

Just remember that

I love you cowboy. 

I love you more than you'll ever know. 

Dear T: Chapter 2

You keep telling me that you're afraid of breaking my heart.

Well, here's the deal.

Been there. Done that.

Honestly, I've been broken enough times that it doesn't even scare me anymore. And I have just accepted that at some point, everyone you love is going to crush you.

We're at this point right now that neither of us knows what to do.

Do we proceed?

Do we break up?

So we're just stuck in this awkward middle-ground. I think that more than anything, this is what is making us so tentative.

I don't do things half way.

When I'm in, I'm in.

and I'm in.

I really do appreciate and love you so much for keeping my feelings in the back of your mind. But here's the thing, you have to stop worrying about what it's going to do to me. Stop worrying about how I'm going to react. Stop worrying about my feelings.

I know where I stand, and you know that I trust you. I trust you to do whatever it is that you think is in your best interest. I can take care of myself, I've done it enough times before. 

I just don't want you to feel like you're settling with me.

Believe it or not, I really do want what is best for you, even if it means that I'm not in the picture.

You deserve the best.

I may not be the best, in fact, I know I'm not, but that's not what scares me.

I'm afraid that someday I'm going to regret it if I don't tell you exactly how I feel. I know I don't talk much, and that's because it's easier for me to write how I feel and show how I feel instead of actually saying how things really are.

Just know that I mean it when I tell you that I love you. I have all the confidence in the world in you and in whatever decision you decide to make. Regardless of how it ends, I'll have your back.

That's just how it works. That's what you do when you love someone.

So disregard my feelings. Put me aside and figure out what exactly it is that you want. Find what it is within yourself and realize that I'm going to back you up.

Dear T: The Truth

I don't know why this is so hard for me to say. Especially since I'm fairly sure that you feel the same way I do. But here we go, prepare for a lot of word vomiting and me talking in circles.

I like you.

You know that already though. Well, let's be honest, just about everyone knows that. You're exactly the kind of man I always imagined myself marrying. I have always been so afraid that I set myself up for failure because I had these insanely high standards, yet here you are.

Everything we have done together, all of our talks, it's all beyond my wildest dreams, and that scares me.

I can feel myself falling. 

And I'm so afraid that you're not going to be there to catch me at the bottom.

Really, when I told you that I thought I had been in love before, it was nothing even relatively close to this.

This is a whole new ball game.

This is real.

And that scares me too.

The future scares me, and right now I'm most scared that there is that possibility that there could be a future that you're not a part of.

I don't care that you'll be gone every weekend to a rodeo, I don't care that you'll only have $50 to your name. You have a dream, and I wouldn't dare ask you to give that up. You should never have to. If anything, all of this just makes me like you even more.

Every day I tell myself that this is crazy. I mean, it hasn't even been a month yet, but here I am turning into a softy, smiling about something you said or did a week ago, listening to all these love songs, thinking about you all the time. I don't know what's happening to me.

From the beginning I felt like something just clicked. I've fought it and I've fought it, but I realize that

there is something to this. It's constantly on my mind, even when I tell you that I'm not thinking of anything of consequence.

I've been thinking a lot about things this weekend, and last night it hit me.

It hit me really hard, like a 2x4 to the head.

So, here it is.

I love you too.

That's it.

Cut and dried.

The beginning and the end.

and I think I knew it all along.

This Place

There's just something about this place.

There's something about a place where you can ride across the land for days and still have things to see.

There's something about a place where you can look at the sky and

see millions of stars.

There's something about watching the sun rise

over a mountain top, knowing that this is a new day, a new beginning.

There's something about standing outside in the middle of a storm. Listening to the thunder roll off the mountain walls.

 There's something about a place that you can wake up every morning with a beautiful view

and never get tired of what you see.

There's something about a place that you can see the hand of God in everything.

There's something about a place.

Something about this place.

Remember The Time

Remember the time...

No, not the Michael Jackson song.

Remember the time as in this.

REAL LIFE.

Everyone always knows that a good story is to follow when a sentence begins with "remember the time..."

I've been thinking a lot about the passage of time. With it being Mother's Day this past weekend, I've been able to reflect on some times that I have had with the women who have shaped, molded, and guided me.

I rode with my Grandma, uncle, and parents to Maddox for dinner (only the best place to eat) last Saturday and it seemed like Grandma was in a remember the time mood.

She was bringing up stories from when I was little about all the quirky little things that I used to do. How I would eat raw green beans when she and my Great-Grandma would be canning and how I can't do anything that takes concentration without sticking my tongue out.

That's what got me thinking.

I had to have picked these things up from someone...

Remember the time...

Great Grandma taught me to focus on my goals.

She also taught me that being able to cut a straight line in any material is highly overrated and that patience may be a virtue, but not all are blessed with it.

Remember the time...

Grandma Pickett taught me not to take life (or myself) too seriously. She taught me that family is everything. She taught me to cook, to can, to sew... basically all those little things that are good to know.

And that through God, everything will work out when and how it's supposed to.

Remember the time...

Grandma Tarbet tried to teach me how to be lady. How to hold still, how to be somewhat proper and polite. [Turns out that didn't really stick because I am a bigger fan of the farm and sports than she ever anticipated]. She did, however, teach me to value a garden. Flowers, squash (she's got a gift for squash), produce, whatever it is, she can grow it.

Remember the time...

My mom wanted the world for me. She sacrificed so much [and I am continually realizing that] so that I could play ball. So that I could pursue music. So that I could have my heart's desire, all while she was going through hell with everything else in her life.

Remember the time...

I went to Young Women's and I met an incredible woman, Linda, my second mother. She taught me

to love, to love beyond people's flaws, to see the good in them, to realize that sometimes some people

have to get hurt in the process of things becoming better.

Remember the time...

Nicole, another of my Young Women's leaders, taught me what it means to have an unshakable testimony. She is one of those women that you can feel how much she loves the Gospel long before you hear her speak.

I am so thankful to these women. These and so many others. I would be here for years if I were to go through everyone that I have learned a lesson from. But here is my main point:

Remember the time...

Remember when the hardest decision we had to make was choosing what color of Crayon we were going to write our names in that day?

Remember when we could pop in a movie and not have to worry about what would come up on the screen?

Remember those Highlights magazines? ['nuff said there]

Remember when we could entertain ourselves without all this technology?

WHAT HAPPENED?

Life. Life happened. We grew up. Friends moved. Friends left our social circle. Family passed away. Experience began weaving its influence into our everyday decisions. But just think, just think for one minute how it would be to be able to go back.

To go back to that time...

[Dear A + B] Things I Can't Say

Dear A + B,

I wish I were brave enough to actually tell you this out loud and in real life, but I know I'm already treading a thin line by doing it here.

I've literally been pained the last few months by some of the things that you have said. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried, wishing that things were different. I just don't think that you realize how much you say affects me, even though I'm 21 years old.

I understand that you were offended by something that the bishop said in a letter. I get that, I really do. But even before that, when you looked at me and said that everything that I believed just wasn't true,

that killed me.

I was FIFTEEN. I don't think you realize that this church saved my life. Literally. There was a time that you were too busy constantly yelling at each other to see how much that affected me. You assumed I was strong, that I would get over it.

Truth is, it still haunts me.

Anyway, you might not agree with my religion. You might not understand why I cling to it the way that I do, but that is no reason to bad mouth it on a daily basis.

You'll believe almost anything on the internet about Congress or gun laws, but you won't take a chance on the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?

You call it a cult and a bunch of other things that I'm not going to repeat, and yet at one time you were a part of it. You grew up with it. At one time you believed it too.

That's not even the part that gets me the most. The reason that I've spent so many hours thinking about this is the fact that I know that when I get married,

you won't be there.

And it's because of your own choices.

I already know that you're going to try to talk me out of it. That you're going to say that I can get a civil marriage and go through the temple later, but that's not how it's going to happen. I'm doing it the right way, at the right time, with the right person.

Last year when I went to the ranch I was sad to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends and you. This year I am beyond thrilled to leave. I can't handle being in this hostile of an environment anymore. Every day it's like I take a shot to the heart from something that you say.

I am so excited to be back in a place where I don't have to constantly be on my guard. Constantly biting my tongue to keep from saying something that I know will just turn you away from me. I'm so excited to be able to feel the Spirit freely. I don't think you realize how hard I work to keep it in my life.

I feel like I'm back in high school when I didn't want to come home. I am at that point now. I don't want to bring friends over because I don't know what you will say, and I know that you could care less if you offended them or me.

Truth is, no matter how hard I have to work. No matter how much opposition you throw at me. No matter how angry it makes you,

I WILL be married in the temple.

I WILL continue in the church.

I WILL believe.

Easter

Today is one of my favorite holidays.

I love Easter so much!

I don't usually do this because it is kind of a contested issue in my house, but I have felt impressed all day to

let you all know how I feel.

I bear witness that Jesus is the Christ.

He has come, and He will return again.

He atoned for each one of us, sacrificing his life and taking it up again so that each of us could do the same.

It is because of His plan that we are able to live with our families in the eternities.

It is because of Him that we are forgiven of our sins.

He is my elder brother, my Savior, and my friend.

He is the One. 

He is the one we can turn to with any of our problems because he has been there.

He literally took upon himself all of our hurts, our afflictions, our sorrows, and our sins so that He could know how best to succor us in our time of need. He is the Great Mediator. It is through Him that my

debts are forgiven.

I know that it is through Him that I can become better. He is the only way to return to God and to be with our families again. I know that He has come again to this Earth to restore His gospel in preparation for His return and that it was done through his humble servant, Joseph Smith, Jr.

I know that he will never turn away from us. He is continually stretching forth His arms to embrace us. It does not matter how far we have wandered away from His fold, He will always accept us. There is no distance that the Atonement and Christ's great love cannot cover to touch us.

"He is the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New...Jesus is the Living Christ,

the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world." -The Living Christ