The Truth About Birthdays

So Sunday is my birthday.

the big 2-1.

21 going on what feels like 50.

Truth is, I hate birthdays.

Okay, not all birthdays, just mine.

And no, it's not the whole i'm a year older, oh my gosh is that a wrinkle thing.

I've hated it since I was ten. So yeah, half of my life I have hated the only "holiday" celebrated for me.

I was ten. I was super stoked because, I mean, what little kid doesn't love their birthday? So I was all excited because I was going to go to dinner with my family, and for once I got to pick where we went. Talk about absolute elation on my part.

Well, unbeknownst to me, my parents had been having some, we'll call them problems. Well these problems bled into my birthday bliss and there was a huge, huge fight. and I mean like full on screaming, doors slamming, lots of adult words being used, and here sat little me. Stunned.

I didn't know what to do. I just went with it. We went to dinner.

It was super tense, but we ate.

happy birthday!

Fast forward two years later.

Same. Freaking. Situation.

Except this time I had a cell phone because I was playing ball on a higher level so we had a lot of practices. Anyway, all hell broke loose. On my birthday.

Right before dinner. Again.

[Is it just me or is anyone else seeing a trend here?]

I panicked. I just couldn't handle it. I had always had anxiety, but it was typically about school. This was the first time that I had a real panic attack.

I mean like, hysterical crying, hyperventilating, shaking, it wasn't pretty.

I ran out of my house and called my young women's leader who had grown up in a similar situation.

She wasn't home. [cue more panic]

I called my best friend.

Lucky enough, she was with a friend of ours, and her mom is kind of an expert with that kind of thing. She went to school to be a child psychologist before she had her kids. Anyway, I called, sobbing, and they came

to pick me up.

By this time, my dad had walked out the door and said 'Okay, let's go. Looks like it's just going to be me and you.' I just told him that I couldn't go. I

had called Tauni and she and Steph were coming to pick me up.

happy birthday!

It seems like this time every year things get really, really tense around here. I don't know if it's just because we all have cabin fever and want to get out or what, but it's not exactly  ideal for celebrating.

Year after year, it's just kind of been conditioned into me to be on edge around my birthday. It's like I am

waiting for the shoe to drop. For the rug to be ripped out from under me.

Regardless, I hate birthdays.

I'm The Girl

I'm just gonna throw this out there that I am one of those girls:

I'm one of those girls that takes on 2389756014 things besides my own agenda to help someone.

I'm one of those girls that is ridiculous amounts of afraid of disappointing people.

I'm one of those girls that pretends to have it all together, but really has no idea what is going on.

I'm one of those girls that will give you the benefit of the doubt until you double cross me, then it's over.

I'm one of those girls that has to fight every. single. day. to keep myself from backsliding.

I'm one of those girls that is afraid that the best years of my life are behind me, and they really weren't that great.

I'm one of those girls that doesn't have a lot of girl friends because I think that girls suck.

I'm one of those girls that keeps everything bottled up because that's what I've been taught.

I'm one of those girls that will respect my elders and those in authority, even if they don't deserve it or are rude to me.

I'm one of those girls that tells everyone that I'm okay and that everything is all good, when in reality I am falling apart.

I'm one of those girls that lives for summer because that's when I can be out on my own without having everything be questioned.

I'm one of those girls that has always done exactly what is expected of me, no questions asked.

I'm one of those girls that won't stand up to most people because I am afraid that I will need them later on if they cut me off.

I'm one of those girls that is pretty quiet on the outside, but my mind is constantly going.

I'm one of those girls that usually doesn't learn from my mistakes the first time.

I'm one of those girls that is so afraid of having someone tell me that I'm not good enough that I don't put myself out there.

Truth is, I think I'm just one of those girls who has had her heart broken one too many times.

Be Kind

I've been noticing a lot of negativity lately everywhere that I go. Maybe I'm just one of those people that just goes with the flow of things, but I just keep thinking

ya'll just need to chill out

and BE NICE.

Seriously.

I go to school and I hear so much negativity.

People bashing on their teachers, their friends, the girl who isn't up with the latest trend, the random couple that doesn't look like they would be likely to date, etc.

I just need a second to say:

I. AM. SICK. OF. IT.

I am sick of hearing it at school,

sick of hearing it at home,

sick of hearing it at the store,

sick of reading about it on

Facebook and Twitter,

I'm just plain over it.

If you have something mean to say, then don't say it. Like literally. If you wouldn't say it to your little brother or sister, or a little kid in general, then just don't say it.

None of us know what kind of battles each other are dealing with.

Some battles are apparent, we can see them in everyday life. Most battles are internal and most people wouldn't know that they are even happening unless they were told.

So, to recap what I have already said and said again, and will repeat:

BE. NICE.  end of story.

Beaten

Last night I was thinking about my b-e-a-utiful Sugar baby.

I remember when she was born. It was like we were insta-best friends. I halter broke her a week or so after she was born, I was always riding my bike to my grandparent's house to comb her and laugh at all the funny things she did.

And then I fell into this phase where I hated the farm. I hated the horses, I hated the cows, I hated all of it. I hated it so much that I didn't even feel any remorse when my barn and almost two years worth of hay crop burned in a fire. I just didn't care. I didn't even drive 'down around the loop' for almost five years.

In that time, Sugar's mom had died  and she had been taken to a trainer to break her. [keep in mind that I really didn't care] I didn't even know when she got back to the farm.

Since I had no real desire to be around her or do anything with her, my Gramps sent her to this guy whose family had always had horses. He trained her as a roping horse, which is awesome, but he also beat her. As in abuse beat her. If you really pay attention when you pet her back you can feel the scars from the welts.

Anyway, I came back into the fold and realized that I was an idiot for leaving. I asked my grandpa a bunch of times if I could somehow get Sugar to go riding. Finally the guy brought her back and told Gramps that he "didn't have time for her anymore" I was so excited when I saw her that I started crying.

I went over just to see what was up, pet her and such, just get reacquainted.

She came running down the pasture to me, but as soon as I reached my hand out to pet her

she shied away.

Let me tell ya. 

There is nothing more disappointing than having someone (or something) that you love turn from you and run.

So I finally got her to the point that I could ride. I went a few times, but when it got cold, I didn't go over as often. She went back to being afraid of everything.

It's taken a lot of work to get her to the point that she is at right now. She's still not top notch, but she's a lot better than she was. Just like everyone else, she has her days.

Some days I spend hours sitting in the middle of the pasture, not being able to get within 10 feet of her. Other days she walks right up.

This is why I added a second major,

Equine Science.

I want to help horses like this.

I want to teach them they don't need to be afraid.

Anyway, to the point here.

In my institute class we have to write our own parables. I was thinking that this could work.

Remember when the disciples and Christ were on a boat and the sea was all stormy and they woke Him and asked to calm the sea? and then he asked

"Why are ye fearful?" [Matt. 8:26]

I got thinking about this.  I've been like Sugar lately: I've been afraid. I've been skiddish. I haven't been  trusting when I have no reason not to trust Him. I was so willing to give up everything before.

  wasn't afraid to drop everything at His request. I would come running when He would beckon.

I've been beaten.

Why do we shy away when we know that He is there to help us, to be our advocate?

If we took half of the time that we take to learn secular things, we would be so so much better off. We would realize that there is nothing that we can do in this life that will make Him love us any less. There is nothing that we can't come back from. We just need that little bit of faith. That little bit of trust in Him that He's not going to beat us. He's not going to condemn us. 

That's just not how it works

2013: The Beginning

So as of late, I've been kind of.... lost.

I mean, I keep it together, after all that is what I do best.

But I've been wandering.

And I don't mean wandering in a good way.

It's been one of those

What am I doing?

Am I really supposed to do this?

Is this really where I'm supposed to be?

Am I insane for adding another major and changing everything around?

kind of things.

As in questioning basically everything in my life.

Even those things that I know deep down are real.

Things like school, religion, family, etc.

I've been so wrapped up in myself lately.

I don't mean in a conceited way, I mean like lost in my own head.

Letting in thoughts that I know are not from the spirit, nor are good for me.

Today in sacrament meeting I was sitting there, listening to all these other people, really strong people, sharing their testimonies of the Church and about the things that come with a new year. Then next thing I know I am walking up to the pulpit-- from the very back row.

So after this walk of shame, it was like some completely different person started talking. Everything I said was true, and came from real experiences that I have had lately, but I just hadn't made the connection

until I started talking.

It went something like this:

I was walking my horse the other day (she was being a snot and needed to learn a lesson so we were walking on my terms instead of on hers) and I was asking myself a bunch of questions and stressing about things that I really didn't need to worry about.

Next thing I know, Sugar STOMPS on my foot. and when I say stomp, I mean like pick-foot-completely-up-slam-it-down- lean-full-weight-into-foot-for-an-extended-period kind of stomp. I was crying by the time she got off.

Anyway, she stomped on my toes while I was mid pity party and I had this thought, actually it was more of a

brick to the head kind of thought of

I don't need to worry about this stuff.

I don't need to stress about the fact that I am only a year away from graduating and I am changing my major completely around. I don't need to- nor do I have the right to- question God or His timing.

I don't need to worry about things that are so far down the road. I have so many things left to do, and those paths could, and probably will, take me far from what and where I thought I would be.

It was like the feeling of the last 4 months of self-loathing, loneliness, depression, confusion, and darkness was lifted for a minute. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that. Even today, six hours after this experience. I don't think it will ever go fully away, at least not for a while. But there for a while it was like I could

finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could breathe. and it was incredible.

PS did I mention that 13 is my favorite number? therefore 2013 is going to be MY YEAR.

I can feel the winds of change blowing again, and last time they did, it led me to the greatest adventure of my life.

Dear Boy: A Year

I realized today that it has been over a year.

A year since I dated Wade.

A year since I got back on my horse.

A year since I learned so much

A lot and yet so little has changed in a year.

I gained a second family at the ranch.

I gained so much more confidence.

Confidence in myself, confidence in my instincts, confidence in the horses, and confidence that 

I can do new things.

After Wade I was so scared, so.... broken.A year later I finally realized that

I WAS GOING TO BE OKAY.

I realized that it's not up to someone else to make me happy. it's up to me.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE ME HAPPY.

I still don't know what I'm doing over 90% of the time, but

I. Am. Still. Going.

and that's the important thing.

You Get A New Dream

Okay, so ya'll know the part on Tangled when Rapunzel and Ryder are out floatin' in the boat and she

asks what she's going to do now that she's achieved her dream of seeing the lights and Ryder says to her,

You get to go find a new dream.

Well, I kind of feel like that's where I am in my life. I mean, this summer I accomplished way more than I thought I would.

I moved out on my own, I learned to rope, I was in a rodeo, I broke a colt, I made new friends, I learned who I was.

Since I came back for school, I've been stuck in this thought of

well what now?

I still have no idea what to do now. So, seriously, if you have any suggestions as to what I could do with my life, let me know. For now, I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the ride.