Keeping It Together: Part II

The other day my friend asked me why I put on the front of being a 'badass.'

Why I look up to those girls who are so strong.

Girls like Miranda Lambert, Carrie Underwood, Reba McEntire.

You know, the ones that sing "angry chick music."

I've reflected on this question quite a bit in the last couple of days. Really the only reason that I have

been able to come up with is that

I'm scared.

As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth. And I've wrestled with it over and over again, trying to come up with some other reason. Trying to convince myself that I'm just having a hard day, I'm not really scared. It's such a wimpy word. The last thing that I want is someone thinking that I need to be rescued. Or to be

turned into someone's project.

Tonight I was 'dealing' with the idea of this fear and I got thinking,

What is it that I have to be afraid of?

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks

I am afraid of these feelings that I've had since I came back to Logan. I found someone just as broken and just as scared as me. And we ran. I say we because it's true, it wasn't just him. I ran too.

After Wade, I've learned to tread water

barely

I completely fell through the ice.I fell for him so hard. so fast. and then he left. Left for another girl. and left me feeling alone, broken, and worthless. I told myself that it wasn't going to happen again, that I was going to be more careful because the pain was unbearable.

Fast forward almost exactly a year. The ridiculous pain is back. No eating, no sleeping, no focus, and thoughts are constantly about Boone. Trying, fighting so hard not to call him, text him, talk to him every day.

They say it gets easier with time. Well, it's been a month since I saw him, yet he hasn't left my mind.

I'm scared that I made a mistake.

What if I messed things up with him?

I know that there's no going back now, but how do I move forward when I feel like I'm left just hanging.

This is where my subconscious tells me 'ya just keep chuggin along' and then I take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, and realize that the pain just means that

I'm alive.

Current Jams

I feel the strange need to share
my current favorite songs
[prepare for YouTube overload]

Hard to Love- Lee Brice

Come Wake Me Up- Rascal Flatts

Come Over- Kenny Chesney

Blown Away- Carrie Underwood

Fastest Girl In Town- Miranda Lambert

Keepin' It Together

Since I've come 'home' to Loganfrom the ranch, I have felt

different.

I don't really know what it is,but something has changed.

Is it me? Is it my friends?

Is it my environment?

In all honesty,it has me downright

scared.

I was talking to one of my best friends about this change, and she said 'you seem to have it together'

The truth is, I don't.

I don't have it together.

I miss my family; my ranch family.

I miss being away from everything.

I miss being forced to deal with

my problems instead of having so many outlets to run away from them.

I miss comedy hour at dinner.

I miss talking to people about life instead of just small talk.

I miss living with my best friend.

I miss being able to walk out into the trap and have instant connections with the horses.

I miss having to trust myself.

I miss having people trust me to  learn something potentially dangerous

on my own.

Mostly, I miss the person that I was when I was there.

Maybe that's what has changed,

I have to adjust back to living the way that I was before my world was completely turned around.

Don't get me wrong, I love school. But something has changed in that too, my heart isn't in it anymore.

That's because I left it here.

Recap: Gramps and Ballin'

This is my Grandpa Wayne.

[yes, I'm aware that I have used this picture a bunch of times but too bad. It's the only one I can find without digging for hours.]

My grandparents basically raised me; I spent most of my childhood at their home because my parents were working crazy shifts so I was getting passed off to them. From the time that I can remember, my grandpa has always been my best friend.

From the time that I can remember Grandpa had been sick.I would take road trips to Salt Lake to the hospital with my grandparents on an almost

monthly basis. [this is part of why I hate hospitals]

I didn't think much of it, I just knew that Grandpa had to have a lot of blood taken for tests and that I had to sit very quietly in the waiting room with my books until they were done with the tests.

Once I got older I wasn't spending as much time at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I was able to take care of myself and didn't have to stay with them after school.

The first time that I really remember realizing what was going on I was in 7th or 8th grade. Grandpa had to be taken to the hospital because he couldn't keep any food down. He was hooked up to monitors and IV's and all sorts of monitors. The doctors said that he had ammonia building up that was making it hard for his body to function properly. He was in the hospital for a week.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school: Gramps had been in and out of the hospital for various reasons. I didn't think anything about it because he would always pull through it. The last time that Grandpa went to the hospital it was the end of softball season. I was so occupied with games and getting ready for state that I didn't think twice about going to see him.

I was playing our last home game. Against our rival school. I hit an over-the-fence home run and dedicated it to him. He had been in the hospital for over a week and things weren't looking good.

The next day was our last region game. I knew that I shouldn't go,

I knew that I needed to go to Salt Lake to see him. I went to the game. I played. 

I played like crap. As soon as the game was over I knew that something was wrong. I went into the dugout and looked at my phone. I had 12 missed calls. 30 texts. Most of which said

"WHERE ARE YOU? GET TO THE HOSPITAL NOW!"

But I didn't. I told myself he'd pull through it.

On the bus ride home my Grandma called me. I crouched down in my seat and answered her. She asked me to give the prayer at the funeral.

My grandpa had passed away during my game.

She said that he had been asking for me. Instantly guilt washed over me. My best friend had been asking for me and I had ignored it.

I learned something that day.

I learned that I need to be a better friend.

I learned that I need to pay attention and heed the promptings that I receive.

Every day I ask for forgiveness from him for not being there when he needed me.

At the funeral my cousins and I stayed as far away from the receiving line as possible.

At the end of the viewing we all walked toward the casket. I couldn't even look at him. I got twenty feet away, looked at my Grandma, and broke down. I was heartbroken. I cried for weeks.

This is why I quit softball. I was devastated that I chose a game over my family, the most

important thing in life. I just couldn't hack it anymore.

My Real Home

Holy biscuits and gravy!

[PREPARE FOR A PICTURE OVERLOAD]

I promise I didn't fall off the

face of the earth, I've been so

busy having the

TIME OF MY LIFE

at my new home

 Credit: Linsey Walker

I absolutely love it here!

I have found so much peace and joy in living in the mountains away from phones, internet, and other distractions. Before I got here I didn't think that I would be able to go without being in contact with people, but it turns out that I have everything that I ever needed right here.

I have some of the best friends that have become my FAMILY in the last month and a half. It's such a comfort knowing that these people would take a bullet for me, and I would do the same. We go into town twice a week to get away from the ranch but always end up hanging out with each other. Crazy how you can

live with people and think that you could use a break, but you can't get enough of each other.

 We smash six people on a three man couch to watch movies

 We plant jelly bean trees and laugh so hard that we fall off the fence

(Kyresa, Erin, Kate, and I)

 We eat chips out of the bag because we are too busy working to wash our hands

(Myself, Erin, and Emile)

 Sometimes it takes an hour for us to agree on which movie we want to watch, so we take pictures

(Myself, Kate, Kyresa, and Erin)

 The T-Cross knows how to do the Fourth of July!

Let's just say baseball, pie eating contest, water fight, and the girls creaming the boys at tug of war made our summer complete.

(Kate, Emile, Elissa, Erin, Me, Linsey)

 By far this was the best week of the summer. We had so much fun with these guests!

We'll be road trippin' to Georgia to visit them!

(Andrew, Lins, Ansley, Myself, Erin, Kate, Elissa, and Michael)

 We were only allowed to ride the plastic ponies for a while because we're accident prone :)

(Em, Erin, and me)

 And whenever we have free time (whatever that is) we go tanning by the pond.

The girls. Luckily we haven't had any drama and we all get along extremely well

(Erin, Em, Me, Lins, Elissa, and Kate)

There are not enough good things that I can say about this place! I love being around all the horses. Lins and I have been dubbed the 'doctors' so we get to spend a lot of time with them.

 Poor Dodie had a bruised foot

 Lenny got caught up in a fence

 Lins and I stole Fancy for some bareback time :)

By the time we got done with Dodie, she was so irritated that she stomped my toes. 

Lins and I now have a saying: "SON OF A DODIE" for everything that goes wrong.

It's so beautiful here. I've taken a lot of walks and a few rides. Every day I am constantly reminded of the blessings that I have by being here.

Bucket List (updated version)

The things I'm gonna do before I die (or so I hope):

PLACES:
[] National History Museum
[] Venice
[] Europe
[] Machu Picchu
[] Canada
[] All 50 States
[] Grand Old Oprey
[] Russia
[] Disneyland
[] Ocean
[] Niagra Falls
[X] Yellowstone
[] Northern Lights
[] Bahamas Cruise

EDUCATION:
[] Guitar
[] Spanish
[] College Degree
[] Have a 4.0 GPA
[] ASL Alphabet
[] 2 Instruments
[X] Driving a Standard
[X] Watercolor
[X] Academic Awards
[X] Chess
[] Teaching Degree
[] 50 Books in a Summer

EVENTS:
[] Kentucky Derby
[] MLB Game
[] Rockefeller Center at Christmas
[X] Temple Square Christmas
[] Wicked
[X] Miranda Lambert Live
[] Eclipse
[X] Crack a Whip

[] Sing in Public

[] Skydiving

[X] White Water Rafting
[X] Break a Colt
[X] No Sleep for 24 Hours
[] Shed Hunting
[X] Repelling

[X] Teach Someone Something They Wish to Learn

[] Pay for Someone's Groceries
[X] See Hard Work Pay Off

[X] Quilt

[X] Crying from Laughter

[] Fly First Class

[X] Snowboarding

[] Bungee Jump

[] Run a Marathon

[] Children

[] Marriage

[] Kiss in the Rain

[X] 1 Month of No Procrastination

[X] Help Someone Achieve a Dream

[X] Coach Softball
[X] Use a Fire Hose
[X] Answer Someone's Prayer

[] Meteor Shower

[] Horseback Riding on the Beach

[X] Night Sledding

[X] Bat over .300

[X] Streaking

[X] Skinny Dipping

[] Hot Air Balloon

[X] Milk a Cow

[X] Food Fight

[X] Poker

[X] Paintballing

[X] Origami

[X] Watch a Sunrise

[X] Touch a Snake

[] No Debt

[] Own a Tiffany Ring

[X] Run/Work on a Ranch
[X] Jeeping

[X] Meet a General Authority

[X] Watch a Sunset

[] Be in a Musical

[X] Eat calamari
[X] Eat Sushi

[X] Thrown in a Pool Fully Clothed

[X] Mud Wrestling

[] Meet a Celebrity

[X] Donate Hair to Locks of Love

[X] Keep a Blessing Journal

2012: The Year of the Bucket List

I am so blessed,

I have been given so many great opportunities the last few months that could  potentially change my life.

By June I will have accomplished two things on my bucket list

[will be reposted shortly after this].

Last night my best friend and I went on a slight road trip to Salt Lake City for the best night of my life.

I got to see my idol. live. in concert.

Miranda Lambert.

Let me tell ya. This girl is beautiful on the inside and outside.

She is hilarious. She is talented. She doesn't put up with anyone's crap.  and most of all, she gives back.

I can only hope to be a fraction of how incredible Miranda is.