Dear T: Chapter 2

You keep telling me that you're afraid of breaking my heart.

Well, here's the deal.

Been there. Done that.

Honestly, I've been broken enough times that it doesn't even scare me anymore. And I have just accepted that at some point, everyone you love is going to crush you.

We're at this point right now that neither of us knows what to do.

Do we proceed?

Do we break up?

So we're just stuck in this awkward middle-ground. I think that more than anything, this is what is making us so tentative.

I don't do things half way.

When I'm in, I'm in.

and I'm in.

I really do appreciate and love you so much for keeping my feelings in the back of your mind. But here's the thing, you have to stop worrying about what it's going to do to me. Stop worrying about how I'm going to react. Stop worrying about my feelings.

I know where I stand, and you know that I trust you. I trust you to do whatever it is that you think is in your best interest. I can take care of myself, I've done it enough times before. 

I just don't want you to feel like you're settling with me.

Believe it or not, I really do want what is best for you, even if it means that I'm not in the picture.

You deserve the best.

I may not be the best, in fact, I know I'm not, but that's not what scares me.

I'm afraid that someday I'm going to regret it if I don't tell you exactly how I feel. I know I don't talk much, and that's because it's easier for me to write how I feel and show how I feel instead of actually saying how things really are.

Just know that I mean it when I tell you that I love you. I have all the confidence in the world in you and in whatever decision you decide to make. Regardless of how it ends, I'll have your back.

That's just how it works. That's what you do when you love someone.

So disregard my feelings. Put me aside and figure out what exactly it is that you want. Find what it is within yourself and realize that I'm going to back you up.

Dear T: The Truth

I don't know why this is so hard for me to say. Especially since I'm fairly sure that you feel the same way I do. But here we go, prepare for a lot of word vomiting and me talking in circles.

I like you.

You know that already though. Well, let's be honest, just about everyone knows that. You're exactly the kind of man I always imagined myself marrying. I have always been so afraid that I set myself up for failure because I had these insanely high standards, yet here you are.

Everything we have done together, all of our talks, it's all beyond my wildest dreams, and that scares me.

I can feel myself falling. 

And I'm so afraid that you're not going to be there to catch me at the bottom.

Really, when I told you that I thought I had been in love before, it was nothing even relatively close to this.

This is a whole new ball game.

This is real.

And that scares me too.

The future scares me, and right now I'm most scared that there is that possibility that there could be a future that you're not a part of.

I don't care that you'll be gone every weekend to a rodeo, I don't care that you'll only have $50 to your name. You have a dream, and I wouldn't dare ask you to give that up. You should never have to. If anything, all of this just makes me like you even more.

Every day I tell myself that this is crazy. I mean, it hasn't even been a month yet, but here I am turning into a softy, smiling about something you said or did a week ago, listening to all these love songs, thinking about you all the time. I don't know what's happening to me.

From the beginning I felt like something just clicked. I've fought it and I've fought it, but I realize that

there is something to this. It's constantly on my mind, even when I tell you that I'm not thinking of anything of consequence.

I've been thinking a lot about things this weekend, and last night it hit me.

It hit me really hard, like a 2x4 to the head.

So, here it is.

I love you too.

That's it.

Cut and dried.

The beginning and the end.

and I think I knew it all along.

This Place

There's just something about this place.

There's something about a place where you can ride across the land for days and still have things to see.

There's something about a place where you can look at the sky and

see millions of stars.

There's something about watching the sun rise

over a mountain top, knowing that this is a new day, a new beginning.

There's something about standing outside in the middle of a storm. Listening to the thunder roll off the mountain walls.

 There's something about a place that you can wake up every morning with a beautiful view

and never get tired of what you see.

There's something about a place that you can see the hand of God in everything.

There's something about a place.

Something about this place.

Remember The Time

Remember the time...

No, not the Michael Jackson song.

Remember the time as in this.

REAL LIFE.

Everyone always knows that a good story is to follow when a sentence begins with "remember the time..."

I've been thinking a lot about the passage of time. With it being Mother's Day this past weekend, I've been able to reflect on some times that I have had with the women who have shaped, molded, and guided me.

I rode with my Grandma, uncle, and parents to Maddox for dinner (only the best place to eat) last Saturday and it seemed like Grandma was in a remember the time mood.

She was bringing up stories from when I was little about all the quirky little things that I used to do. How I would eat raw green beans when she and my Great-Grandma would be canning and how I can't do anything that takes concentration without sticking my tongue out.

That's what got me thinking.

I had to have picked these things up from someone...

Remember the time...

Great Grandma taught me to focus on my goals.

She also taught me that being able to cut a straight line in any material is highly overrated and that patience may be a virtue, but not all are blessed with it.

Remember the time...

Grandma Pickett taught me not to take life (or myself) too seriously. She taught me that family is everything. She taught me to cook, to can, to sew... basically all those little things that are good to know.

And that through God, everything will work out when and how it's supposed to.

Remember the time...

Grandma Tarbet tried to teach me how to be lady. How to hold still, how to be somewhat proper and polite. [Turns out that didn't really stick because I am a bigger fan of the farm and sports than she ever anticipated]. She did, however, teach me to value a garden. Flowers, squash (she's got a gift for squash), produce, whatever it is, she can grow it.

Remember the time...

My mom wanted the world for me. She sacrificed so much [and I am continually realizing that] so that I could play ball. So that I could pursue music. So that I could have my heart's desire, all while she was going through hell with everything else in her life.

Remember the time...

I went to Young Women's and I met an incredible woman, Linda, my second mother. She taught me

to love, to love beyond people's flaws, to see the good in them, to realize that sometimes some people

have to get hurt in the process of things becoming better.

Remember the time...

Nicole, another of my Young Women's leaders, taught me what it means to have an unshakable testimony. She is one of those women that you can feel how much she loves the Gospel long before you hear her speak.

I am so thankful to these women. These and so many others. I would be here for years if I were to go through everyone that I have learned a lesson from. But here is my main point:

Remember the time...

Remember when the hardest decision we had to make was choosing what color of Crayon we were going to write our names in that day?

Remember when we could pop in a movie and not have to worry about what would come up on the screen?

Remember those Highlights magazines? ['nuff said there]

Remember when we could entertain ourselves without all this technology?

WHAT HAPPENED?

Life. Life happened. We grew up. Friends moved. Friends left our social circle. Family passed away. Experience began weaving its influence into our everyday decisions. But just think, just think for one minute how it would be to be able to go back.

To go back to that time...

[Dear A + B] Things I Can't Say

Dear A + B,

I wish I were brave enough to actually tell you this out loud and in real life, but I know I'm already treading a thin line by doing it here.

I've literally been pained the last few months by some of the things that you have said. I can't tell you how many nights I've cried, wishing that things were different. I just don't think that you realize how much you say affects me, even though I'm 21 years old.

I understand that you were offended by something that the bishop said in a letter. I get that, I really do. But even before that, when you looked at me and said that everything that I believed just wasn't true,

that killed me.

I was FIFTEEN. I don't think you realize that this church saved my life. Literally. There was a time that you were too busy constantly yelling at each other to see how much that affected me. You assumed I was strong, that I would get over it.

Truth is, it still haunts me.

Anyway, you might not agree with my religion. You might not understand why I cling to it the way that I do, but that is no reason to bad mouth it on a daily basis.

You'll believe almost anything on the internet about Congress or gun laws, but you won't take a chance on the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer of the world?

You call it a cult and a bunch of other things that I'm not going to repeat, and yet at one time you were a part of it. You grew up with it. At one time you believed it too.

That's not even the part that gets me the most. The reason that I've spent so many hours thinking about this is the fact that I know that when I get married,

you won't be there.

And it's because of your own choices.

I already know that you're going to try to talk me out of it. That you're going to say that I can get a civil marriage and go through the temple later, but that's not how it's going to happen. I'm doing it the right way, at the right time, with the right person.

Last year when I went to the ranch I was sad to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends and you. This year I am beyond thrilled to leave. I can't handle being in this hostile of an environment anymore. Every day it's like I take a shot to the heart from something that you say.

I am so excited to be back in a place where I don't have to constantly be on my guard. Constantly biting my tongue to keep from saying something that I know will just turn you away from me. I'm so excited to be able to feel the Spirit freely. I don't think you realize how hard I work to keep it in my life.

I feel like I'm back in high school when I didn't want to come home. I am at that point now. I don't want to bring friends over because I don't know what you will say, and I know that you could care less if you offended them or me.

Truth is, no matter how hard I have to work. No matter how much opposition you throw at me. No matter how angry it makes you,

I WILL be married in the temple.

I WILL continue in the church.

I WILL believe.

Easter

Today is one of my favorite holidays.

I love Easter so much!

I don't usually do this because it is kind of a contested issue in my house, but I have felt impressed all day to

let you all know how I feel.

I bear witness that Jesus is the Christ.

He has come, and He will return again.

He atoned for each one of us, sacrificing his life and taking it up again so that each of us could do the same.

It is because of His plan that we are able to live with our families in the eternities.

It is because of Him that we are forgiven of our sins.

He is my elder brother, my Savior, and my friend.

He is the One. 

He is the one we can turn to with any of our problems because he has been there.

He literally took upon himself all of our hurts, our afflictions, our sorrows, and our sins so that He could know how best to succor us in our time of need. He is the Great Mediator. It is through Him that my

debts are forgiven.

I know that it is through Him that I can become better. He is the only way to return to God and to be with our families again. I know that He has come again to this Earth to restore His gospel in preparation for His return and that it was done through his humble servant, Joseph Smith, Jr.

I know that he will never turn away from us. He is continually stretching forth His arms to embrace us. It does not matter how far we have wandered away from His fold, He will always accept us. There is no distance that the Atonement and Christ's great love cannot cover to touch us.

"He is the Great Jehovah of the Old Testament, the Messiah of the New...Jesus is the Living Christ,

the immortal Son of God. He is the great King Immanuel, who stands today on the right hand of His Father. He is the light, the life, and the hope of the world." -The Living Christ

Family

Ya'll know how I am always calling my coworkers and friends at the ranch my family?

Well, that's because it's true.

We. Are. A. Family.

Today we got the sad news that one of our cowboys, Clancey, was killed in a car accident and his brother, Joe, was injured as well. 

Clancey was only 20 years old.

Although Clancey and I didn't work at the ranch at the same time, I had the opportunity to meet him on a few occasions. Hands down, this kid was going places. He was an incredible young man, always had a smile on his face, and from what I hear, he was quite the heartbreaker wherever he went.

My heart breaks for the Rinderknecht family at the loss of their son and brother.

I am so thankful for the knowledge of eternal families. It is such a comfort to know that Clancey will be reunited with his family in the eternities. He will truly be missed.

He's riding the great horses in the sky now.

XO and RIP, buddy!

What A Girl Wants

I've been thinking a lot about what I want.

What I want from my life, what I want in the future, ya know, those things that girls dream about their

entire lives.

As of this June, I will have been  in ten, that's right, TEN, weddings in my lifetime. That's an average of one

every other year of my life.

This is what got the gears in my brain going. My most recently-engaged friend asked me the other day

what is it exactly that you want?

I immediately had a flashback to when we were in our Young Women's group at church and one of our leaders asked us to make a list of qualities that we wanted in a future husband. Being the little high school girl that I  was I immediately started writing:

plays sports

good with kids

musical

attractive

LDS

gets along with my family

muscular

tall

dark

handsome

Basically all the petty little things that really don't mean anything. Truth is, I don't really know what I want.

I always thought that I would fall for someone who is like that. Someone that I can just check his

perfect qualities off the list.

I've come to realize that these qualities really aren't what I should look for. I should look for a man who loves

God more than anything. A man who is respectful, humble, honest.

As I sit here, I wonder how many people I have let slip through my fingers because they don't have the checklist qualities. In all honesty, the majority of my closest friends don't even fit the bill. Heaven knows that I don't either. 

I don't understand why we choose to hold people to a higher standard than what we set for ourselves. If I expect things from a man, then I need to start living these things myself.

I don't have a checklist anymore.

I don't know where I'm going,

I don't really know what I expect from myself or anyone else, but I do know that I want a simple life.

I want a job that I love.

I want a family as great as mine is.

I want a love that put fairy tales to shame.

I want a farm that lives up to its legacy.

I want a hubby that is mine for eternity.

Mostly, I just want to be happy, happy, happy.

Superwoman

One night I was out with Wade and we went on a walk. It was fall, so the nights were chilly, but not so cold that you really needed a coat. Anyway, we were walking, and I had my hands in my pockets [because they're always cold] and he asked if I wanted his jacket. I said that I was okay, then he stopped me, looked right into my eyes and said,

"You don't always have to be

superwoman, you know that right?"

The truth is, that's how I have always been.

I've always been the rock.

I've always been the one that has kept my head above water and helped everyone else. When things are falling apart, for some strange reason I am the one that people look to.

For example, when my grandpa died, I was the one that everyone looked to to see how to cope. It was only when I broke down at the funeral that everyone else let the water works go too.

Example number two, when I was playing ball, everyone came to me with their thoughts about how things could be better when I wasn't even a captain, and I was the one that went to coach.

Yet another, whenever people feel like they can't do things, they turn to me. If I can't do it, then they label it as an impossible task.

Why do we do that?

Why do we pin things on people like that?

Why do we seem to have that feeling that this is okay?

What happened to self-reliance and persistence?

If you're not one of those 'super-people' that get everything dumped on them like that, you probably won't understand the insane amount of pressure that comes with it. It's ridiculous.

I know that we really shouldn't worry about it, and probably shouldn't feel like we have to do things, but sometimes, that's just who we are

The Truth About Birthdays

So Sunday is my birthday.

the big 2-1.

21 going on what feels like 50.

Truth is, I hate birthdays.

Okay, not all birthdays, just mine.

And no, it's not the whole i'm a year older, oh my gosh is that a wrinkle thing.

I've hated it since I was ten. So yeah, half of my life I have hated the only "holiday" celebrated for me.

I was ten. I was super stoked because, I mean, what little kid doesn't love their birthday? So I was all excited because I was going to go to dinner with my family, and for once I got to pick where we went. Talk about absolute elation on my part.

Well, unbeknownst to me, my parents had been having some, we'll call them problems. Well these problems bled into my birthday bliss and there was a huge, huge fight. and I mean like full on screaming, doors slamming, lots of adult words being used, and here sat little me. Stunned.

I didn't know what to do. I just went with it. We went to dinner.

It was super tense, but we ate.

happy birthday!

Fast forward two years later.

Same. Freaking. Situation.

Except this time I had a cell phone because I was playing ball on a higher level so we had a lot of practices. Anyway, all hell broke loose. On my birthday.

Right before dinner. Again.

[Is it just me or is anyone else seeing a trend here?]

I panicked. I just couldn't handle it. I had always had anxiety, but it was typically about school. This was the first time that I had a real panic attack.

I mean like, hysterical crying, hyperventilating, shaking, it wasn't pretty.

I ran out of my house and called my young women's leader who had grown up in a similar situation.

She wasn't home. [cue more panic]

I called my best friend.

Lucky enough, she was with a friend of ours, and her mom is kind of an expert with that kind of thing. She went to school to be a child psychologist before she had her kids. Anyway, I called, sobbing, and they came

to pick me up.

By this time, my dad had walked out the door and said 'Okay, let's go. Looks like it's just going to be me and you.' I just told him that I couldn't go. I

had called Tauni and she and Steph were coming to pick me up.

happy birthday!

It seems like this time every year things get really, really tense around here. I don't know if it's just because we all have cabin fever and want to get out or what, but it's not exactly  ideal for celebrating.

Year after year, it's just kind of been conditioned into me to be on edge around my birthday. It's like I am

waiting for the shoe to drop. For the rug to be ripped out from under me.

Regardless, I hate birthdays.

I'm The Girl

I'm just gonna throw this out there that I am one of those girls:

I'm one of those girls that takes on 2389756014 things besides my own agenda to help someone.

I'm one of those girls that is ridiculous amounts of afraid of disappointing people.

I'm one of those girls that pretends to have it all together, but really has no idea what is going on.

I'm one of those girls that will give you the benefit of the doubt until you double cross me, then it's over.

I'm one of those girls that has to fight every. single. day. to keep myself from backsliding.

I'm one of those girls that is afraid that the best years of my life are behind me, and they really weren't that great.

I'm one of those girls that doesn't have a lot of girl friends because I think that girls suck.

I'm one of those girls that keeps everything bottled up because that's what I've been taught.

I'm one of those girls that will respect my elders and those in authority, even if they don't deserve it or are rude to me.

I'm one of those girls that tells everyone that I'm okay and that everything is all good, when in reality I am falling apart.

I'm one of those girls that lives for summer because that's when I can be out on my own without having everything be questioned.

I'm one of those girls that has always done exactly what is expected of me, no questions asked.

I'm one of those girls that won't stand up to most people because I am afraid that I will need them later on if they cut me off.

I'm one of those girls that is pretty quiet on the outside, but my mind is constantly going.

I'm one of those girls that usually doesn't learn from my mistakes the first time.

I'm one of those girls that is so afraid of having someone tell me that I'm not good enough that I don't put myself out there.

Truth is, I think I'm just one of those girls who has had her heart broken one too many times.

Be Kind

I've been noticing a lot of negativity lately everywhere that I go. Maybe I'm just one of those people that just goes with the flow of things, but I just keep thinking

ya'll just need to chill out

and BE NICE.

Seriously.

I go to school and I hear so much negativity.

People bashing on their teachers, their friends, the girl who isn't up with the latest trend, the random couple that doesn't look like they would be likely to date, etc.

I just need a second to say:

I. AM. SICK. OF. IT.

I am sick of hearing it at school,

sick of hearing it at home,

sick of hearing it at the store,

sick of reading about it on

Facebook and Twitter,

I'm just plain over it.

If you have something mean to say, then don't say it. Like literally. If you wouldn't say it to your little brother or sister, or a little kid in general, then just don't say it.

None of us know what kind of battles each other are dealing with.

Some battles are apparent, we can see them in everyday life. Most battles are internal and most people wouldn't know that they are even happening unless they were told.

So, to recap what I have already said and said again, and will repeat:

BE. NICE.  end of story.

Beaten

Last night I was thinking about my b-e-a-utiful Sugar baby.

I remember when she was born. It was like we were insta-best friends. I halter broke her a week or so after she was born, I was always riding my bike to my grandparent's house to comb her and laugh at all the funny things she did.

And then I fell into this phase where I hated the farm. I hated the horses, I hated the cows, I hated all of it. I hated it so much that I didn't even feel any remorse when my barn and almost two years worth of hay crop burned in a fire. I just didn't care. I didn't even drive 'down around the loop' for almost five years.

In that time, Sugar's mom had died  and she had been taken to a trainer to break her. [keep in mind that I really didn't care] I didn't even know when she got back to the farm.

Since I had no real desire to be around her or do anything with her, my Gramps sent her to this guy whose family had always had horses. He trained her as a roping horse, which is awesome, but he also beat her. As in abuse beat her. If you really pay attention when you pet her back you can feel the scars from the welts.

Anyway, I came back into the fold and realized that I was an idiot for leaving. I asked my grandpa a bunch of times if I could somehow get Sugar to go riding. Finally the guy brought her back and told Gramps that he "didn't have time for her anymore" I was so excited when I saw her that I started crying.

I went over just to see what was up, pet her and such, just get reacquainted.

She came running down the pasture to me, but as soon as I reached my hand out to pet her

she shied away.

Let me tell ya. 

There is nothing more disappointing than having someone (or something) that you love turn from you and run.

So I finally got her to the point that I could ride. I went a few times, but when it got cold, I didn't go over as often. She went back to being afraid of everything.

It's taken a lot of work to get her to the point that she is at right now. She's still not top notch, but she's a lot better than she was. Just like everyone else, she has her days.

Some days I spend hours sitting in the middle of the pasture, not being able to get within 10 feet of her. Other days she walks right up.

This is why I added a second major,

Equine Science.

I want to help horses like this.

I want to teach them they don't need to be afraid.

Anyway, to the point here.

In my institute class we have to write our own parables. I was thinking that this could work.

Remember when the disciples and Christ were on a boat and the sea was all stormy and they woke Him and asked to calm the sea? and then he asked

"Why are ye fearful?" [Matt. 8:26]

I got thinking about this.  I've been like Sugar lately: I've been afraid. I've been skiddish. I haven't been  trusting when I have no reason not to trust Him. I was so willing to give up everything before.

  wasn't afraid to drop everything at His request. I would come running when He would beckon.

I've been beaten.

Why do we shy away when we know that He is there to help us, to be our advocate?

If we took half of the time that we take to learn secular things, we would be so so much better off. We would realize that there is nothing that we can do in this life that will make Him love us any less. There is nothing that we can't come back from. We just need that little bit of faith. That little bit of trust in Him that He's not going to beat us. He's not going to condemn us. 

That's just not how it works

2013: The Beginning

So as of late, I've been kind of.... lost.

I mean, I keep it together, after all that is what I do best.

But I've been wandering.

And I don't mean wandering in a good way.

It's been one of those

What am I doing?

Am I really supposed to do this?

Is this really where I'm supposed to be?

Am I insane for adding another major and changing everything around?

kind of things.

As in questioning basically everything in my life.

Even those things that I know deep down are real.

Things like school, religion, family, etc.

I've been so wrapped up in myself lately.

I don't mean in a conceited way, I mean like lost in my own head.

Letting in thoughts that I know are not from the spirit, nor are good for me.

Today in sacrament meeting I was sitting there, listening to all these other people, really strong people, sharing their testimonies of the Church and about the things that come with a new year. Then next thing I know I am walking up to the pulpit-- from the very back row.

So after this walk of shame, it was like some completely different person started talking. Everything I said was true, and came from real experiences that I have had lately, but I just hadn't made the connection

until I started talking.

It went something like this:

I was walking my horse the other day (she was being a snot and needed to learn a lesson so we were walking on my terms instead of on hers) and I was asking myself a bunch of questions and stressing about things that I really didn't need to worry about.

Next thing I know, Sugar STOMPS on my foot. and when I say stomp, I mean like pick-foot-completely-up-slam-it-down- lean-full-weight-into-foot-for-an-extended-period kind of stomp. I was crying by the time she got off.

Anyway, she stomped on my toes while I was mid pity party and I had this thought, actually it was more of a

brick to the head kind of thought of

I don't need to worry about this stuff.

I don't need to stress about the fact that I am only a year away from graduating and I am changing my major completely around. I don't need to- nor do I have the right to- question God or His timing.

I don't need to worry about things that are so far down the road. I have so many things left to do, and those paths could, and probably will, take me far from what and where I thought I would be.

It was like the feeling of the last 4 months of self-loathing, loneliness, depression, confusion, and darkness was lifted for a minute. Don't get me wrong, I still feel that. Even today, six hours after this experience. I don't think it will ever go fully away, at least not for a while. But there for a while it was like I could

finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could breathe. and it was incredible.

PS did I mention that 13 is my favorite number? therefore 2013 is going to be MY YEAR.

I can feel the winds of change blowing again, and last time they did, it led me to the greatest adventure of my life.