Real Talk: Happiness

Let's talk happiness.

I mean real happiness, not those fleeting moments that you look back on and think to yourself, "Yeah, I can honestly say that I was happy then."

My friend's dad (who is also a bishop and has known me for almost 20 years) stopped me on my way to my institute class a couple weeks ago just to say hello and catch up for a second. We were just making small talk and then out of nowhere he says,
"Jess, why are you so happy all the time? I haven't seen you like this since you were little."
I looked the man straight in the eye and told him that life is SO good! It would be an injustice for me to say that my life is difficult or that I am doing any less than great because I am beyond blessed.

I'm not trying to say that my life is perfect by any means, but I can tell you exactly why my heart is so full. It is 100% because I really tried to turn myself to Christ during 2015 and continue to do so in 2016. I count my blessings every day, try to remember to have sincere daily prayer, study His life and teachings, and focus on being better through the mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

The way that 2014 ended made it so obvious to me that the only way to real and enduring happiness comes through drawing on the strength and grace of Christ and truly living his teachings to the fullest. I wasn't doing that before. Let's be honest, I'm still not doing as much as I know I could be, but that doesn't mean that I feel the love and peace of Christ any less. If anything else, that helps me realize that I truly need Him every hour of every day. We all do, even if we don't want to admit it.

I've always been one of those people is skeptical of people when they say things like this. I've always thought that to be happy you just have to force that way of thinking in your mind. Let me tell you, thinking happy might help turn things around, but the kind of happiness that shines out your face and emanates through your entire being, the kind that is contagious and influences everyone around you, that comes from Christ alone.

I know what you're thinking, "Jess, that's too easy. There's no way that's all it takes."
Guess what, it is easy! It's supposed to be! Don't start thinking that your life has to be overly complicated in order to be happy!

That's the beauty of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's simple enough that a child can understand it, but it takes a lifetime of study to even begin to comprehend the great amount of love and grace that Christ bestows upon each of us, even though we are sinful, prideful people. I don't know of anything more humbling than to realize that a man, born of God, descended to the absolute depths of hell to better help raise us up to become the people that we were destined to be. How wonderful it is to realize that we need never be alone. Christ, a very God, is there 100% of the time.
He is there when you want him to be.
He is there when you ignore him.
He is there when you are in the darkest times of your life.
Look for Him.
Look and you will find.

And guess what, when you find Him, you'll find your happy.

How Losing My Faith Helped Me Find It

As y'all know, 2014 was NOT the best year for me. But there's something that I haven't really mentioned: the fact that I lost faith.

I lost nearly all faith in God and the love that He has for me and you.

Being the only member of the Church in your family is already hard enough, but when you have something that 100% rocks your world and essentially rips you apart inside, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of you may know that when T came into my life, I had been praying and really looking for that someone that I would spend the rest of eternity with. It was a conscious thing. And the first day that I saw him I had this overwhelming feeling come over me; something inside said,
"He's the one you're going to marry."

I didn't even know him. I didn't know his name or where he was from or what he was like, all I knew was what had been spoken to my heart that day. It was a month before he and I ever spoke beyond some small talk in class...

And then we didn't stop talking.
Then we started dating.
I met his family and fell in love with them.
It was then that I realized that I was head over heels in love with him too.
Two days later, I told him how I felt.

Off and on he would mention that he was having doubts about us.
About where the relationship was going.
About whether we really were supposed to spend forever together.

I had so much faith that it would work - that if we just put our trust in God and in each other's love that it would work out and the doubts would diminish.

And then they didn't.

 The first time we decided to take a break, I thought that my heart would never mend. I sat on his lap in the big blue chair and cried while he held me. Then I walked out the door and swore that I was going to be all right by the time that I saw him the next day in class.

That next day he told me that he realized he made a huge mistake and that he wanted to get back together, so we did. A couple months later we were driving back home from a rodeo in his hometown and he looked over at me and said,
"I want to get married. And I want to marry you."

So we told our families and it became kind of a waiting game until we both were in a place mentally, physically, and spiritually that was good enough for us to get married.

And then we broke up again.

I felt like my world was crushed.

I had prayed for this, why wasn't God helping us?
Why were things getting harder?
Why did T choose to leave even though we were still in love?
Wasn't I good enough?

I was angry.
I was angry at God for taking the one I loved away from me.
I was angry that T changed his mind.
I was angry that I let myself fall so hard for someone who wasn't sure about me.

On top of being angry, I was depressed. I've had a pretty consistent battle with depression since I was little, so the little ups and downs weren't a big surprise, but I hit absolute rock bottom.
I cried for weeks. I couldn't look people in the eye because I didn't want to see the look of pity that they gave me when they heard what happened. I thought about suicide. I thought about drinking the pain away. I thought about disappearing completely; just getting in the car and going.

I turned away from the single source that I knew would give me strength and peace,
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I had talked to T about these feelings and anxieties that I was having and he, in turn, told his bishop... who told my bishop... who called me and claimed he just "wanted to chat."

Did I want to go to Bishop's office? No.
I didn't have the strength or courage to face him.
I was so afraid that he was going to judge me, that I was going to become one of those Mormon "projects."

But that's not what happened.

I shook his hand and sat down across the desk from him and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Jess, you look like you've been through hell."

I lost it.
I cried so hard that I couldn't form coherent words, let alone an actual sentence.
And he let me cry. He said that he already knew what happened because of the conversation he had with T's bishop so I didn't have to say anything about it right then. Then he said something that I will never forget: he said,
"Jess, you are SO loved. I know you're having a hard time, but please don't push your Heavenly Father away. He and Jesus Christ know you, they love you, and they hate seeing you hurting like this."

For some reason, something inside me snapped. I knew that I had to turn my life around because I couldn't go on living like I was. Things didn't get easier at first. Actually, they got harder. The anger didn't get better. The depression didn't get better. I went through the motions and wondered time and again if all the pain and suffering was actually worth it.

Let me tell you folks, it was worth it.

Rock bottom became the sure foundation upon which I have built this new life.

I'm consistently finding myself expressing gratitude to my Father for the wonderful life that He has given me a second chance at. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful Savior who took upon himself my sins and heartaches. It is so comforting to know that He knows exactly what I'm going through, because He went through it FOR me in the Garden of Gethsemane so that He could succor me as I experienced a fraction of what He felt.

My friends,
don't ever think that you are a burden to God.
Don't ever think that He does not care about you, HE DOES!!
Don't ever think that you are alone in this life, HE IS THERE.
Most of all, don't ever think that you are a lost cause. Jesus Christ is continually beckoning to each of us, calling out to us in the darkness saying, "Come unto me."
So come! Come to Him! He is waiting to embrace you and fill the cracks in your heart with the healing balm of His love;
and I promise He will if you reach out to Him because He did the same for me. 

My Un-Fairytale: 2014 in Review

I've learned a few things in 2014.

One of the most pressing things that has been on my mind lately has been about how my fairytale DIDN'T come true. I fell in love. I was planning a wedding. But none of that happened. My heart was shattered. I lost faith. I lost myself to overwhelming grief and depression. I drove myself to do things that I knew better than to do, just because I wanted to feel something, anything. 

My fairytale didn't happen. And here's something that I want to remember for my future self, and possibly offer to someone else too. Here's something that the movies lie to you about:

THE GUY DOESN'T ALWAYS COME BACK.

I always had this impression that when I fell in love, when I knew that it was overwhelmingly true, and that I was going to marry said man, that I would NEVER let him go. I made that deal with myself and it hasn't worked out like that. I've fought and fought to keep this feeling, this love alive, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that that love is over, never to return, because he shut and locked the door behind him when he left.

I've been consumed with grief, depression, and anxiety for 9 months over this. I have been lost, with an overwhelming feeling like I have been drowning. I have prayed and prayed, begging, pleading, bargaining with God, pouring out the feelings of my heart, explaining that I would do anything to change the state of being that has overshadowed me in 2014.

I was asked to give things up. God asked me to remove myself from people and things that I love and have loved for years. God asked me to do one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do: fully and whole heartedly confess the sins that I have participated in and suffer the consequences.
God asked me to look to Him, to trust Him, to look for Him in all things because He is there.

The beauty of 2014 did not come until December, the final 31 pages of my 365 page book for the year. I had a very strong impression to receive my endowment and fully enter into the presence of the Lord in His house, the temple. I studied. I prayed. I tried to talk myself out of it, listing reasons that I should wait until I'm getting married to go since that's usually the reason that most girls go. But again and again I was prompted to go, and go NOW.

Since that day, I have been indescribably happier. Several people have mentioned as much. I don't know why, but I am. I'm the happiest that I have ever been. I'm far closer to God and His Spirit than I have ever been. And I am so so grateful for that.

But at the same time, I am sad. I am sad that this is the end. I am sad that I've lost such a great love and so many great friends. I am sad that I made so many horrible decisions in 2014 that led to me experiencing one of the darkest times in my life. But I am grateful.

I am so grateful for the mercy of God and the love that He bestows upon me every day. I am so grateful for the outpouring of blessings that have been loaded on me in this, my darkest time. I am grateful for those that have redirected me to the light and the truth, reminding me who I am and that I deserve the very best that life and God can give. But mostly, I am grateful for the time that I had with Tyler, that I learned what it truly means to love someone with all of my heart, and to know that at least once in my life, I experienced that one in a million kind of feeling, to know that I got to live what we all search our entire lives to find.

But here's the thing, I have so much faith that 2015 is going to be so much better, with so much happiness and so many blessings. 2015 is going to be the year that dreams come true, that prayers are answered, that things happen for me because I have worked hard to ensure that they do.

The Master Surgeon

I was in institute about a week ago and I heard the most beautiful analogy that hit me like a ton of bricks. I haven't been able to get it off my mind, so I am taking it as a sign that I need to share it. 

We have all heard the comparison of Jesus Christ being the Master Carpenter of our lives; in this analogy, He is the Master Surgeon of our hearts.

Imagine this:

You are a patient with a heart condition, laying on the table about to undergo open heart surgery. 

Just before the anesthesiologist puts you under, you look up and recognize your surgeon from somewhere, but are not sure how you know him; he smiles and winks at you, then they put you under, and the surgery begins.

In an open heart surgery, a few things happen before the surgeon can actually get his hands on your heart. First they have to open the skin using a scalpel- they cut through skin and muscle until they can pull the layers back to reveal your rib cage. At this point they bring in an electric saw, cutting your ribs apart until it is possible to fold those back as well to reveal the lungs, heart, and other vital organs. 

So there you are, laying face-up on the operating table, heart fully exposed and your life is literally in the hands of the surgeon. Although the surgery is not yet over, the anesthesia wears off and you wake up. Immediately you are overcome with the most intense pain that you have ever experienced. You cry out to the surgeon, "Please, please stop cutting. I am in so much pain already, why do you insist on continuing when you know that I am fully alert and feeling every touch of the blade?"

At this point this most trusted surgeon looks you in the eye, scalpel in hand, and says, 

"My child, you don't understand. If I stop cutting, the procedure will have been in vain. Your heart will not grow stronger or get any better. I know that you are in pain, but you can take confidence that I have performed this procedure thousands of times. Please trust me when I say that it will only last for a short amount of time and that you will come out of this surgery a better, stronger person than you were before. Please, please trust me."

The surgeon that so delicately held and continued to cut your heart despite the pain that He was inflicting, is none other than the Savior, Jesus Christ. 

He understands our pain. 

He understands it perfectly. 

In all reality, He is the only one that understands our pain. You see, He experienced it. He literally took our pains upon himself. He is the only one qualified to change our hearts and change our lives. 

He is the Savior of the world. 

He is YOUR Savior,

He loves you. 

He loves you more than anything. He literally exchanged His life for the possibility that you would choose to follow Him. He took a gamble on you. Even if you do not remain faithful to Him, He is always there, hands outstretched, ready to envelop you in a loving embrace, beckoning to you,

"Come follow me."

Our hearts are in His hands. Though it may hurt at times; though we may beg and plead with Him to stop cutting, He loves us enough to continue the surgery. You are never too far gone to turn to Him. He is willing to go to the depths of Hell itself to rescue each one of us individually. His love is THAT real, and THAT strong. 

Just listen when the Master Surgeon says,

"I know that you are in pain, but you can take confidence that I have performed this procedure thousands of times. Please trust me when I say that it will only last for a short amount of time and that you will come out of this surgery a better, stronger person than you were before."

(All images were found by searching "Reflections of Christ by Mark Mabry." There is also a short YouTube video with these and several other images depicting the life of Jesus Christ that is available by searching the same title.)

Dear T: What I Couldn't Say

It's been almost exactly a year from the day that I first told you that I loved you. 

At the time I said that I was afraid of falling for you without you being there to catch me. I also said that I was more afraid of facing a future without you. 

All the things I told you that first night are all still true. Nothing has changed for me, my feelings are the same.

Yes, I want to hit you a little more often, yes, you still drive me crazy, but if anything, I only love you more. 

Pushing me away does nothing to lessen how I feel. 

You are still my first thought in the morning and the last thought at night, it's been that way for over a year now. You are all I've ever wanted, inside and out.

I've done a lot of stupid things to make you jealous, to make you wish that things were different, to show you that I, too, was jealous, and I've even done some things to hurt you. For all of these, I genuinely apologize and hope you can forgive me.

I have to tell you that I have changed. 

I have a real focus now, something that I know will only change me further, for the better.

I'm removing those toxins in my life that I know have hurt not only me, but you as well. And I'm so sorry for allowing that to happen to you, that is my biggest regret in all of this.

I realize now that I have hurt you in ways that I can never repair, but I hope that someday those wounds can heal and you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

I read this quote in a book a few weeks ago and as I've been trying to think of a way to tell you what I feel, I think it does a better job than I ever could, so here it is:

"Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings. I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep in your arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again. You may not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same. I know you're afraid and I am too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance."

That is exactly how I feel. I know none of this has been easy, and it probably won't be in the future, but I would take all the bad for just one moment of the good with you. 

So I guess at this point I'm just going to say that the ball is in your court. I'm still in love with you, but from this point forward, whether I stay in your life or not is up to you, I won't keep interfering.

I sincerely hope you keep that sparkle in your eye and that stupid little grin on your face. 

After all, that's what made me fall in love with you in the first place.

But if this is goodbye, have a good ride, cowboy. 

And thank you, because I wouldn't change a thing.

Updated Bucket List

The things I'm gonna do before I die (or so I hope):

[] sing in front of a crowd

[] go skydiving

[X] go white water rafting
[X] break a colt
[X] pull an all-nighter
[X} go to the NFR in Vegas
[] visit the National History Museum
[] find a somewhat-large antler shed
[] sleep in a tent overnight in Yellowstone
[] see the Northern Lights
[X] go repelling

[] go to Venice

[X] teach someone something they don't know

[] learn guitar
[X] pay for someone else's groceries
[X] see hard work pay off

[X] finish a quilt

[X] date someone I can see myself marrying

[X] laugh so hard you cry

[] fly first class

[X] go snowboarding
[X] go repelling

[] bungee jump

[] run a half marathon

[] learn to speak another language fluently

[] graduate college

[X] come out of a heartbreak stronger than I was before

[] have kids

[] get married

[X] graduate high school

[] kiss in the rain

[] visit Europe

[X] not procrastinate for one full month

[] see an eclipse
[X] help someone achieve a dream

[X] coach softball
[X] use a fire hose
[X] be an answer to someone's prayer
[] read 50 books in a summer

[] watch a meteor shower

[] visit all 50 states

[] go to Canada

[] go horseback riding on the beach

[X] go night sledding

[X] get a 4.0

[X] learn to watercolor

[X] get an award

[X] bat above .300

[X] learn the ASL alphabet

[X] go streaking

[X] go skinny dipping

[] swim in the ocean

[] go to the Opery in Nashville

[X] see Miranda Lambert live

[] go on a cruise

[] ride in a hot air balloon

[] go to Russia

[X] milk a cow

[] see Machu Picchu

[] go to Disneyland

[X] be in a food fight

[X] play at least two instruments

[X] learn to play poker

[X] get a welt from paintballing

[X] learn origami

[X] learn to play chess

[X] watch the sunrise

[X] touch a snake

[] get out of debt

[] own a diamond ring from Tiffany's
[] see Niagra Falls

[X] run/work on a ranch
[X] go jeeping
[X] be in a wedding

[X] meet a general authority

[] learn to forgive myself

[] become a teacher

[X] watch a sunset

[] have a dog named Moose

[] be in a musical

[] see Wicked
[X] learn to drive a stick shift

[] go to the Kentucky Derby

[] go to a professional baseball game

[X] eat calamari (fried squid)
[X] eat sushi

[X] make home made ice cream

[X] see the lights at Temple Square during Christmas

[] go to Rockefeller Center at Christmas

[X] get thrown into a pool fully clothed

[X] mud wrestling

[X] meet a celebrity

[X] donate hair to Locks of Love

[X] keep a blessings journal

[] make a difference

Mistakes

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

Some minor, some not so minor. These things have a way of ripping me apart from the inside-out.

I start to dwell on them, thinking the situation over and over again, wondering,

what if?

What if I would have listened to my conscience and gotten out of the situation?

What if I had said something different?

What if I would have been somewhere else?

What if I had walked away?

What if...?

Thinking all these things has left me feeling  

empty, unwanted, overwhelmed, unworthy, depressed, 

and most of all, 

afraid.

I was talking to Tyler today and he said something that made this thought click in my head. 

It was firm and unwavering.

No matter what we have done, no matter how unworthy we feel we are, no matter how far we have strayed,

no matter what kind of hell we are in,

WE ARE LOVED.

We are loved unconditionally by a Father in Heaven, the very Creator of the Universe, who would not forsake us because we made a mistake or two. That's the thing about this life, we are going to screw up. He knew that. That's why He sent his Son to perform the Atonement. The Atonement covers each of our imperfections, each of our mistakes, if we give them to God and trust that He will care for us.

I promise you that He will. He will care for you. He will heal your broken heart. He will remove the anguish of sin and heartache. He will make it so that you can overcome any trial. 

Why else would we be here on this Earth if not to learn and overcome and become the kind of men and women that we have the potential to be? Our divine potential is so great! Nothing can take that from you. No sin, no mistake, no act will remove that.

That's the one thing that I know for sure, that we are SO loved, that we are never going to do anything that will estrange us from that love. 

It's easier said than done, I know. I am still learning to apply this in my own life, especially when I know that I have done something that is life-altering, something that is not to be taken lightly. Even though I know that I have screwed up and that I need to repent and move forward, I can't shake the thought that I am still loved and cherished, that I can and will overcome. Maybe not right now, maybe not even in the next month, but I will get better through the goodness, grace, and mercy of God.